Addiction

You know, I've never quite "gotten" addiction until just recently. Which is rather funny considering I work with the dually diagnosed who deal with serious addiction issues every day. But since I have never really dealt with a hardcore addiction myself, I have only been able to relate to it in an intellectual fashion.

But lately, I am starting to feel like I am dealing with an addiction (two actually). While not "hardcore", in the sense of drugs or alcohol or such, still falling within the definition of addiction.

"An addiction is a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences to the individual's health, mental state or social life. The term is often reserved for drug addictions but it is sometimes applied to other compulsions, such as problem gambling, and compulsive overeating."

And Addiction, what be thy name(s)? Eating crap and World of Warcraft.

Both are a recurring compulsion. I'm not really sure which is worse as in most gripping, or if they equal sway. Or which is worse as in most harmful, since maybe, they have equal impact. In different ways.

World of Warcraft

Well, since starting playing about... gosh, has it been two years ago?, I have been quite sucked in. I play a lot. Mind you, I go through cycles where I play less but for the most part, I probably play every day, well okay, about four days a week. Hmm, actually now that I think about it, I really don't play a lot in comparison to true hard core gamer types. I play a couple of hours each day in my three to four days a week. Okay, maybe not even though much. Hmm. Well, I do play all day on Wednesday when my husband has his overnight and I have the day to myself. So, I guess my addiction is distraction in general, usually in the form of a video game, be in on the computer or console, or watching TV. It is compulsive in that I do when I should be doing other things, more important things. I make my list of things to do and then I get home and I play WoW or watch TV. The harmful consequence of this? I don't get shit done. I ignore things that I would/could/should be doing, that could potentially be fulfilling, such as creative artsy stuff, such as learning a musical instrument, such as cleaning my damn room!! Compulsion? Addiction? Hmm... maybe this one is not so clear cut as the second category.

FOOD!!!!

I can't seem to stop myself from eating something tasty and completely bad for me (remember, for me, sugar and wheat are mildly toxic) and continue in a compulsive manner until feeling ill and then keep eating after that state has been reached. 'Til the thought of eating anything ever again makes me sick. Never mind with each bite of sugar and wheat, I'm adding a pound. Plus, my energy is nil and I feel ill. That would be the "despite harmful consequences". But somehow, I have zero body memory around this and I keep doing it. I guess that's the "addiction" part. Bleh.

Now that I think about it, I would say eating has a worse impact on me and life than WoW does. It is an entirely different matter to mentally state you are not going to do something (I'm going to play WoW rather than call these kid places), than it is to feel physically unable to do something. I know the mind still plays a factor in this. If you think you are physically weak, you can create this reality in yourself. And I have become quite physically weak... can't even do one push up and I at least could do 10 (I know, still a paltry number, but damned better than zero!). And the less exercise I get, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the less exercise I want to do. Damn vicious cycle isn't it.

But it's like any cycle, I guess. You have to break it at some point. Now while sugar and wheat are known addictive substances, I imagine that my body isn't as physically addicted as say it would be on crack or heroine. Although I have seen some nutritionists argue this case. But I know that I have been able to go without wheat and sugar for a good three solid months and "cold turkey", so I'm not so bad off. Thing is, once I got off that, I haven't been able to go back on. I usually only last a couple of days before pouncing on the bread again. I'm not sure how I managed it the first time!

But something's gotta give. Either the cycle or me. I'd prefer the cycle because I'm in trouble. I weigh more than I ever have in my life. Fortunately, I'm tall, it distributes fairly well, but I'm feeling it physically and not in a good way. I'm tired, I'm achy, I'm ready to get rid of this.

But oh look, the holidays are ahead. Bah.

Work Update

Well, I'd about had it with work, as I'm sure you have been able to tell from all my previous posts. Although I still had my job, I felt like the "Final Warning" hanging over my head was a job death sentence. And after getting no back up from the Uppers, my situation felt worse.

So, I started to look for a new job, trying to beat the axe fall to the punch. And so I started looking for a full time job, likely a 9 to 5 type (slash wrists) dealing with kids in order to get my MFT child/family/couple grouping of hours fulfilled (the only hours I have left, 380 to go to finish my 3000 and time running out, well, as you know because I had wanted to quit and I've not worked on my hours for almost two years). I start losing hours in January 2008. Bah. I had been looking for a part time sort of thing to fit in around my great and open schedule but the one day that I actually work most of the day and overnight (damn Thursday!!) kept getting in the way of taking on a part time job and most internships are during the school year months and already filled. So I figure, "Well, I need a new job, I might as well get a kid job and get my hours."

And it was really hard. I was really angry and upset. I don't necessarily love my job at Eucalyptus House and often don't even particularly like it, but compared to what's out there for income, it's pretty good. And you can't beat the schedule, 45 hours a week in basically two days. Plenty of time for classes and whatever else I want. Great benefits, although pretty much every other place I looked at had the same thing. Non-profits: great benefits, really suck ass pay. And occasionally, I have moments at work that I really enjoy. So I didn't want to leave, especially due to the situation that developed. But I started looking.

But damn. In order to make what I make here (I only make $14.70 but get overtime and some tiny bits of double time), I'd have to make about $18 an hour and I couldn't find really anything I remotely wanted to do over $12. Marty and I can take maybe a couple of hundred dollar hit to our income but not $600 a month.

Soon I started thinking about how this could possibly work. At work, I started ducking my head and basically shut my mouth. I didn't speak up about anything, I didn't offer my clinical opinion, I didn't really say anything other than what was required to do my job. And suddenly, work has been much better. The one boss I've had the most trouble with (the one who has been rude to us, treated us like children, even shouted and sworn at me), has been fairly nice. Occasionally she has her moments, but for the most part, it's been okay. Never mind me wanting to throw up over her disingenuous, saccharine sweetness and her "clinical" ideas of things, not to mention the whole Toxic Green and Bypassing thing.

So I start thinking, well, maybe I can stay. Just remove my personal investment in the job. Just do the job as a job. Mind you, I would not make the residents suffer, that I will still continue to give them my good service, but probably I will not put myself out there as much as I used to. Not now that I cannot make my own clinical decisions (this was part and parcel of my job before but The Twain, as my co-worker calls them, seem to want to control everything we counselors do), cannot truly engage a client in a real fashion (shadow exists, people, get over it!), and have way too much fucking paperwork than ever before to do.

But I realize that this job is not me. And I've even managed some distance from it as well. I realize what's been happening to me in this job is not about me at all. But it certainly has pushed me to realize a few things. One: A spine is good, even if it gets you into trouble, because it's not your spine that gets you into trouble, it's people's reactions and jealousies to your spine. Two: I'm not so wounded like The Twain that I have to take it out all over other people in order to control my environment (well, sometimes I do that). Three: Fuck you, bitches!! Okay, I feel better.

So although I still have to deal with the treatment I and the whole team get, I'm back to looking for part time kid hour type things, even looking at unpaid (ahh, the life of the therapist intern) gigs. And for now, just keeping my head down at work as best as I can. Lords, sometimes it's like biting my tongue (off). But at least I still have a job, even if it's not what I would want.

And, now that I've stepped out of the role that I had at work, that of the "One That Speaks Up and Out", the "One That Speaks Of The Forbidden Shadow", some interesting things have occurred. Group dynamics (meaning basically group psychology) abhors a vacuum. So that role that I have vacated, demands to be filled. And it will be filled in one way or another. The Group will either force that role on someone or someone will step forwards into that role, or both. And someone has started speaking up more, in email and a little bit in person and oh my, guess what!!, has already received a written "verbal" warning. Ouch, but I have to say, I feel a little vindicated. And I feel even more able to withdraw my personal self from work since that just goes to show that it really wasn't me in this mess but them. But, group dynamics abhor a vacuum..... and I ain't stepping back in.

So, onwards, fellow co-workers! Brave The Twain!!

IEP

IEP = Inner Essence Photography

Marty says it's corny and cheesy. But it's the name of my new, very small business. Yep, I am a small business owner. Home business, self-business? Usually called a small business, I think. And mine is extra small.

So far I'm just doing headshot type portraits for therapists, who always need them for websites, brochures, etc. And one Bar Mitzvah, initiated by a therapist for next March. Aack!! An actual event.

It's amazing how much crap can come up just from starting up a new business. I think especially for me, since I don't feel trained enough, knowledgeable enough, and of course the oldie but goodie, good enough, blah blah blah.

Yeah.

But off I go into the wild new yonder of the world of the small business.

Viva la capitalism!!