The Level of Bill

So, let me explain Bill Jacks to you.

Bill Jacks is a character from the show "John From Cincinnati" played quite brilliantly by former Married With Children star Ed O'Neill. He was the asshole dad/husband on M w/ C.

The character: He's a former cop whose wife died of some disease, maybe cancer and this apparently sent him over the edge. Owns a messianic, life-giving nanday conure parrot named Zippy (along with a few other birds) and to whom he monologues the shit out of. He's a friend of the crazed surfing Yost family.

And a total whack job.

He's quite neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, paranoid. It's the paranoid part that comes into play for this blog entry. Of course, despite all of his crazy failings, and like most David Milch characters, he has a heart-wrenching underlying sweetness and grand heart.

So I was sitting with my therapist the other day and I was talking about FEAR. And how my fear controls me so much that I really don't do a lot in life that I would like to do, nor does it (meaning myself here) allow me to even like myself much.

I was noticing the different types of Fear that I carry, some ranging towards my own version of Bill Paranoia. I noted that and described Bill Jacks to my therapist. My therapist, at the end of my session, reminded me to see if I could be aware of the various "Levels of Bill" over the next week.

I immediately loved this phrase!! Indeed how appropriate that Bill Jacks become one of my many "sub-ego fragments" or I've also called them little "sub-personalities" running around in my psyche.

And don't anyone freak out and wonder if I'm multiple-personality disordered or anything because, guess what, you've got 'em too. Inner Critic, Inner Child, however you want to name them, we all have these sort of "fragmented bits" running around. And they are just a part of you. My Fear is me. Well, it isn't ME, I am not Fear but it is a part of me. So, that cleared up, onwards!

That twitchy, hand waving, ranting paranoid side of Fear. Bill Jacks to a T!! And now, I too, can be a part of the Bill Jacks experience. What IS my Level of Bill at any given moment. Usually not too high. Usually high when I'm stressed out about something and just spinning it over and over in my mind until it almost becomes a part of my cellular makeup. This is also why I try not to drink a lot of caffeine. I'm often half way there (without the perks, just the jittery bits) in my regular day to day life.

I've seen some blog sites that offer a "This is my mood right now" icon you can select for each blog entry. Maybe it's evil MySpace that does that. (I say Evil because MySpace has got to be one of the ugliest sites I've ever seen, along with Flicker, and doesn't seem to offer many options to make it any less ugly).

I want a "This is my Level of Bill right now." icon to select for my blog entries. Yeah. That sounds good. Bill Jacks, Level 9!

Camping (Body Image)

I like nature and all. Nice trees, clear air. Bugs, dirt. All good, in the scheme of things.

So I went camping with Marty, his friends (and mine, but his first) Emily (American living in England) and Paul (living in Sacramento). Just Friday and Saturday, but in a little state park named Armstrong. We packed like we were going to "pack it in" but I realized that I would just about die if I had to carry a large pack on my back for three miles over rough terrain. So we ended up camping in one of the "moderate" campsites, you know with a flushing toilet structure, fire pit, picnic table. Etc. Still camping, just not as much in the "wilds" as maybe we wanted to be.

But we had a good time. We did the good old camp stove meals, burritos, spaghetti, etc. We watched the night sky and saw some good shooting stars. We chatted late into the night like when you had sleep-overs when you were little. Okay, maybe just the girls would understand that. I don't really know if boys have sleep-overs when they are little. Emily and I had a good girl talk. We all went hiking.

Which brings me to the body image part of camping. I am so out of shape. As we were hiking, I hurt, I was breathing too heavily, my heart was doing its weird arrhythmia thingie (I do believe Paul said we were fairly high up in altitude, which seems to set off my heart worse than just normal exercise).

I had already decided a bit ago that I was going to start my "No Wheat, No Sugar" thing again after Burning Man, basically at the beginning of September. Even though it sucks. Just the thought of doing it again makes my heart sink and my skin crawl. I hate the thought of anything that smacks of deprivation. And not being able to eat wheat or sugar is very much deprivation to me. Like trying to go off crack or something.

But so necessary. Because I can barely move sometimes. So here I go again. Bah. Sniff... I love bread and sugar.

But onwards!!

Desire

I recently have gotten into the television show "House, M.D.", about a brilliant diagnostician with an ill bedside manner; he basically hates people, but loves puzzles. So basically he's an asshole to his patients and his own assembled team of doctors who help him figure out cases and do the "patient stuff".

In Season Two, Episode 13, called "Skin Deep", there was this song played during the episode that so hauntingly echoed what was going on in the show. I looked it up and it ended up being this one.

Desire - Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The water’s higher.
Desire

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire

You know me. You know my way in.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire

I was so struck by the music. And the lyrics. How the song relates to my feeling lost in life. Which direction do I go? Where is my fire? For me the song isn't really about another person, as in the show it wasn't quite either. But about the desire we have for many things: our leg to stop hurting (House is lame in one leg), our sense of passion in life, our direction in life. So, how keen this song.

I found many links on YouTube for this song, although could not find the original artist video, if there even is one. I did find people playing this song on their own, people taking the episode "Skin Deep" and putting together a montage of cuts from the episode to the music. But finally found this one, no video played, just the image of a heart rate monitor or some such, with the song. In it's purity. Because only folks who watch the show would understand what is going on in one of the clip shows. BUT, checking through my blog as I do periodically, it had been pulled by YouTube.com, so here's a live spot. (And found a different version again).

See God, Kai

After the trip to my Father's, during which we saw the phenomenon that was the ending of "The Sopranos", never mind that neither Marty nor I ever watched the series, (we just wanted to join the crowd), we saw an advertisement for another HBO show called "John From Cincinnati". Since we've upgraded to digital cable, we get this rather neat service called On Demand. Shows are saved up on the server, can watch them later, etc, sort of like Tivo, but only the shows that the cable company, Comcast in this case, chooses. As part of our upgrade deal (free for one year, blah blah), we got HBO On Demand. So since "John From Cincinnati" was created by David Milch, who created "Deadwood", Marty very much wanted to see it. I liked "Deadwood" too, so I was open to watching it as well. Yay, HBO On Demand.

So when we got back, the first and second show had already posted to the "server" so we eagerly sat down to watch the first. And then immediately following, the second. Because, oh my gods!

It isn't a show most people would probably like. Tonight is the season finale (and most likely, read here, Series Finale). Which we will get to watch tomorrow afternoon after both us dribble home from our various overnight shifts. Ten episodes. Sniff. No official announcement as of yet but looking like it's going to be canceled. Which is really, really stupid.

Imperial Beach, really fucked up surfing family with a rather fucked up circle of "friends" surrounding them. Enter into this morass of woundedness, John. From Cincinnati. With magic pants that produce money and credit cards and a penchant for artfully repeating back everything you have to say. Who merrily proceeds to throw a bunch of wrenches into the usual workings of this system. Sound strange and confusing? It is.

But oh, how it mesmerizes!! How it catches the heart with its moments of amazing sweetness. It's a rather hard show to describe. I'm not as great putting the feeling of the show into words. Check out Marty's blog entry on JFC, he's more the word smith than I.

I'm more frustrated than he, I think, with thoughts of the impending cancellation. I am so highly irritated that shows like JFC get canceled. That any remotely intelligent show gets canceled so drivel like "reality TV" can be shown just peeves me to no end. JFC got such a panning except by those who could really appreciate it. Perhaps one might say those who have achieved a higher stage of development. Although I doubt anyone except a Buddha type would really understand just what the hell is going on in even one quarter of the time in any given episode.

Perhaps the Finale will tell. Although probably not. My hopes are not high on that factor.

I don't know, Butchie instead.

But that is the Magic of John. In his Father's Words.