You Can't Make Me

So I went to my Rosen body worker today. Currently, I see him twice a month. I also see my Chiropractor twice a month as well. Keeps me put together.

Rosen Method work is a type of body work (involving touch of course), that focuses on the relating to the body's allowances and resistances to engender therapeutic change. Well, actually, that's pretty broad. So, you can go here to learn more.

My Rosen worker is also a licensed psychotherapist so he is able to work with the issues that arise from the Rosen work in a psychotherapeutic way as well. Plus, he's got great hands.

Today I came in very anxious (a common state for me) and I could barely draw in a full breath. I could breathe but I couldn't get my body to draw in one of those nice, deep and full breaths after which you go "Ahh, that was nice." and my body was rigid, definitely not loose. As he began working on me, I could feel my body resisting each touch. It's rather hard to describe this without the reader having had some Rosen done on them in order to know what I'm talking about but I'll try my best. So he might press into a tense spot of muscle and he will "listen" to how my body might respond: does it tense more, does it shift and relax? and then go with that by either pressing in more or gentling his touch. It's a rather intuitive method, I gather. Sometimes images will arise in connection with this body touch. A wolf in a cave, guarding something. Usually symbollic in some way. Which then can be processed verbally, if desired. Steuart doesn't talk for generally the first half hour, just works with my body. Then the last part is still body work but with a verbal component. Often my body will react to things I'm saying by tensing or relaxing, indicating in some way areas to be worked or areas releasing.

So, my body was resisting, almost pushing back against his fingers in grumpy tension. Eventually I mentioned I was noticing this, which he acknowledged as well. A question he will often ask is, "What is the body voice that goes along with this?", meaning if this part of the body or this particular reaction of the body had a voice, what would it say? The body voice could be verbal, or could be an image, or even a feeling or sensation. Often, it is an imagine for me that I am able to describe quite clearly, along with a felt sense. Today, it was all three. I mentioned that I felt like a teenager in the corner with arms crossed, feeling grumpy and recalcitrant and saying "I don't wanna and you can't make me!!" He said, "Yes! That's the voice! I like that voice and I want to hear more from that voice!"

I talked about my sense of loss of control in my world and how I am able to control it (or believe I can control it) by shutting down and just saying "I don't wanna. And you can't make me." But really, control is an illusion. We don't have any control. But oh how we want to believe we can and try as hard as we can to create it. I am definitely one of those "we". I think surrender is the worst form of punishment to an already battered psyche. I notice how I really feel this body voice when getting into a common, "usual" argument with Marty, when I feel pushed by him in some way. And I feel pushed a lot because it's very hard for me to just take in something put out by another person. I don't trust one lick of it. I don't trust people as far as I could pick them up and toss them. Which is not at all. That comes from a long history of bullying by peers in school and such. Whole different series of entries... But if I set up that "You can't make me!", I'm safe. I'm going to be stubborn and not let you in.

Control, safety, fear... yes. So, one might think that seeing all these things might stress me out more and I was feeling a bit worried that I didn't really know what to do with this information. That is for another session... series of sessions, most likely. But at the end of this one, I was breathing fully again and my body was not as stiff as when I had first come in. So whatever came up shifted something in my body.

I love body work and I love my Rosen worker as well.

But... you still can't make me. Do Anything.