Peak Experiences

We had our uber staff meeting / "retreat" / ne Boss Tells Us the "New" Plan for the house and we all nod to her and roll our eyes to each other.

I had been asked to do the "ritual" at the beginning, to "heal" the past and step forwards into the future. I planned it, she changed it and whatever, it was pretty much stupid fluff at that point. I hate that sort of shit. Plus don't ask me to do something special to me (priestessing and the like) and then basically just do what you want anyway. But, well, Cunt Bitch With Control Issues. I had way too much caffeine anyway to ease the pain. Although it made me very jittery for most of the day. And slightly ill. But that could have been the nauseating smell of Power Tripping in the air.

We found out the program is changing to three groups a day, seven days a week. Marty would make the jack-off hand gesture at this point. It's kind of like, whatever, you crazy bitch. Make it your way, don't think of the clients and all that. I mean, shouldn't they get weekends off? Constant in your face groups all supposed to be run with this technique called Motivational Interviewing and Harm Reduction in mind. Which is not and should not be a linear type thing to run a program with. But again, whatever you crazy bitch cunt.

After the whole thing was over and folks were cleaning up and loading up their cars, I stood there at the near cliff-edge (it was held at a hostel housed at a very cool old lighthouse right next to the ocean). No, I wasn't thinking of throwing myself off although I think I was feeling a bit defeated by the whole "retreat" thing. I was just trying to let the sound of the crashing surf against the cliff calm me down. I don't think it was doing a very good job until I hit this moment, just looking out over the expanse, of calmness. It was still sort of sad, partly a shrug of "Well, whatever. Here I am looking at the ocean. She doesn't matter. Work doesn't matter."

I stood there and suddenly had the Sense of all the oceans over the whole of the entire Earth. I could Feel the surface, skimming along the choppiness and I could Feel down into the depths as if I could trail my hand through the soft earth down below in the cold and crushing dark. I could Feel thousands, millions of little sparks, life darting in and out that vast expanse. And I certainly didn't feel confined to my own body. That once familiar feeling of throwing off the constraints of my physical form and expanding out into... well, Everything.

I used to have these peak experiences all the time as a kid. Simple as breathing, really.

But I haven't had had one in a long time. Long time. And I realized, as I came back to myself among the calls of "Heather, we're leaving!", that I greatly and gravely miss it.