Hmm, this is starting to become a daily thing. The posting in the blog I mean.
I had a bout of depression which was either triggered by not feeling well (feverish, headaches, body aches, fatigue - more than usual) or the physical stuff was triggered by the depression. It's so hard to tell.
But it (both the depression and physical stuff) kicked me enough that I ended up deciding not to go to dance class today (that would be the African Haitian one). I know, I know, bad decision. You get up and go do something when depressed. Force yourself, blah blah. I've been told it a million times by therapists (both professionals and friends), by loved ones and I've told a ton of clients myself.
I have noticed there are certain times in the "I don't want to go" thoughts that are actually real. And I have started to learn the difference. The whiny, wah-wah, "cry me a river" as a friend puts it, is the one that I know I have to get my ass up and just go. It's slumpy and grumpy and irritated but ultimately I know if I can get up and out and there, I'll probably (probably) be okay. And usually, I am. Most of the time.
But then there are the times, thankfully rather rare, when I feel the "I don't want to go" and I poke myself, saying, "Get up! Go!" and this crash of overwhelming sadness or anxiety or tears comes over me. I prod more, I get up and put my socks on and it gets worse. If it's the other type, often at least getting to the foyer to put my socks and shoes on creates a lessening in the "I don't want to go". I have found that if I do indeed go in this more entrenched state, I put a nail in the coffin of resentment toward the event. I don't mean suddenly I resent the class or the job or whatever completely but a tiny notch does get etched in. I don't think permanently but long enough to be felt for a while. So I decided to listen and stayed home.
I was so out of it today. I kept putting the wrong stuff in the fridge or the freezer or the pantry. I forgot my card when I went grocery shopping to pick up thick grain mustard for Marty's never-ending supply of vinaigrette that I make for him. So I get through line and have to walk back home and then back to the store to pay and then back home with the groceries again. Sucked having to do it but ultimately at least was a little movement.
But while I was walking, I heard a song that made sense. As always, I was plugged into my iPod and listening to, as I have most of the time lately, my recently purchased playlist. Through So You Think You Can Dance, I've developed a taste for hip-hop, the dance and the music. You got me, I've never really been oriented towards it until now. Recently I downloaded a couple of albums of the Black Eyed Peas and this song came up during my walk:
Third Eye - Black Eyed Peas
You was fooling me once before
But I tell you there's no fooling me twice no more
'Cuz when I open up my third eye, my third eye
You can't get away wit' murder, wit' murder.
You was fooling me once before
But I tell you there's no fooling me twice no more,
So stop your opression, opression,
Check it out I got a question, a question.
If Bush is Pinnochio, Pinnochio,
Who the Hell is Gepetto, Gepetto?
Beware of Gepetto.
'Cuz he got knives and clips and a dagger that's shaped into a crucifix,
And he'll stab your back with it and give it to your brother as a necklace for Christmas
Welcome to the valley of the beast where they sing in harmony, but never speak no peace.
Keepin their eye on the fedia cheddar, things that ain't really for the better,
I could point out their behaviour to keep ya immuned from the poisonous flavour,
But once your caught I can't save ya, they'll manipulate your mind so you enjoy danger.
He can sell sand to Iran, ice to an eskimo, water to a dam,
And these are akin to Uncle Sam, the one that taught him how to scam
He was fooling me once before
But I tell you he aint fooling me twice no more
'Cuz when I open up my third eye, my third eye
He cant get away wit' murder, wit' murder.
Know what i'm saying?
No,no,no,no,no,no
Can't fool me again. no,no,no,oh,no,no
I'm into games you play
I know your game,
No,no,no,no,no,no
Won't fall down again, no,no,no,oh,no,no
Won't trip on games you play,
I know your game.
You could fool me once (no no),
But you can't fool me two times (no no),
'Cuz I got three eyes (yeah yeah),
One look from the left side (yeah yeah),
The other from the right side (yeah yeah),
Got one eye on the inside (yeah yeah),
And I can see you outside (no no),
Plottin' to come in.
La la la la la la la la la la la (you can't fool me)
La la la la la la la la la la la (you cant do me)
La la la la la la la la la la la (you cant run through me)
mmmmmmmmm.......
La la la la la
La la la la la
Sometimes we need to change, to change, to change,
Leave the past behind,
Leave the past behind or shall we.............look into the future?
Look ahead,
That's right.
I know this is a political song (which quite a few of their songs are) but I suddenly saw this as relating to my Demons (Anxiety, Depression, Frustration, Fear). Just replace Bush and Gepetto with Heather's Demons. Made a whole lot of sense to me. It was how I was feeling, under assault by them with hardly anyway to "See" what was going on. But then also realizing that I too have a Third Eye. I can see them, sometimes. But sometimes I feel like I don't know where my own Gepetto is in order to get them under control. Or make friends. Or something.
This is what I had up originally because I wasn't able to find the song online, but I kept this up anyway:
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