I think I mentioned in my big letter that I was thinking of dropping out of my photography class and I ended up doing so. Marty apparently told his father about this, that I've become less stressed out about my photography since I don't have to deal with grades anymore; I just go and shoot. His father sent this back (accompanied by the little yellow ball that in the email danced around in a cheering fashion) and Marty shared it with me:
"That's funny about Heather dropping out of class. I've talked to and heard of artists who were really good and then they took a class on art and it really screwed up their creative perspective. Good for her. Kudos for Heather for knowing when to dump something that wasn't in her best interest. "And wow, this strikes me to the core. And here's why. And yes, I'm pissed if you don't gather that from the following. So Aries horns to the fore!
While this is not always the case, I usually get a certain kind of response about this decision of mine when I tell others and I just told a whole bunch of people. And gist of these responses goes something like this: "You're so close, you should just finish! Just suck it up and stick it out!"
Really? I might argue that. Allow me to explain my situation as it happened to me through an analogy.
Let's take Marriage as an example. So, say a friend of yours meets someone, falls in love, thinks, "Wow, this person is IT!!" and they get married. For a while, times are good. It has its ups and downs but for the most part, things are going well. Then the relationship gets a bit bumpier, but mostly things are okay. And your friend continues go along, because that's what you do in a marriage. Then the ride starts going over jagged rocks, not just ups and downs, not just bumpy but heading towards all out hell. But slowly, mind you. It doesn't go there all at once, doesn't just change all at once. Slowly. And slowly your friend (and maybe you) might start noticing. But hey, you stick it out, because that's what you do in a marriage, right? Let's say things start getting bad all the time. And your friend is suffering for it. Somatic stress, problems of mental health, general health on a total decline. But hey, you're married right? You're supposed to stick it out. So your friend goes to all the counseling, does all the right things to try and stay on track and it doesn't get better. Your friend starts pondering the idea of leaving, maybe does.
Are you going to tell your friend to suck it up and stick it out when things are obviously not going to work out, just for sake of the principle of marriage? Hopefully you would be a good enough friend to say neither "Stay!" nor "Leave!" but rather "Ohh, honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this, what can I do to help?" And while it's true that being on the outside of a relationship (be it between two people or a person and a career, etc), gives us some benefit of seeing things the involved person cannot, sometimes people just need to hear the "Awww, poor baby." and saying Stay or Leave is to project one's own ideas onto someone else. I'm also referring more to those really long pondered decisions, not as much the spontaneous, in the moment ones. And yes, I know, you only want to do well by your friend, I do understand that.
Ultimately, it all comes down to an individual's choices, decisions. Yeah, we can point out, "Hey, you might regret this later on down the road if you stop now." and that might even be helpful to the other, but ultimately, we can't make that choice for another. And often, our saying, "Hey, you should stick this out." doesn't really serve the other person, but rather our own ideas of what we think others should be doing (or maybe even what we think WE should be doing ourselves).
Heh, and don't people just get pissed when you don't follow their idea of what should go down. Oh, they might not show it straight out. "Oh, so you've made the decision to stop? I see." Inside: "That is soooo stupid! You're being so dumb! I can't believe you would just throw it all away like that.", etc. Whatever different tracks people have about it. Maybe these things might even be said out loud. And sometimes this reaction comes out of a person's shadow. Perhaps they quit something and regretted it and so project that experience onto others. Maybe they are jealous because they themselves didn't make the decision to stop when they felt they should have. How often do people try to think beyond this reaction? "What might be some underlying reasons why this person may have decided this?" or even "What might be some underlying reasons behind my own reaction?"
There are always lots of different factors and reasons a person is examining in considering a big decision such as this. And likely it's a decision that is very, very hard to make.
I have a massively hard time making decisions. Marty says I'm terrified of making decisions. And he's right. I'm always second guessing myself. If I go this way OR this way, I'm going to make the wrong decision, hands down. I'm going to regret either way. I'm going to lose out either way. This is why it takes me.... well, years, to make even any headway into a decision. Often, I decide by not deciding. Time runs out, opportunities pass by, etc. And if there is suffering in both or just one decision... I've already made up for it by living in mini-Hell in the very struggle of trying to choose. I experience Impasse (being stuck between going forwards or backwards, stagnation of the truly stuck kind) to a huge Existential degree. I'm no good, I'm a quitter, I can't do this, what am I to do in life. Deep self-predations on my own soul. I eat myself up in a very bad way. I don't life life because I live in limbo. Marty says you have to make a choice and stick by it. Although I don't believe it fully (fearing I've made the wrong choice), he's right, it will free you up to put that energy elsewhere, to be free from the agony of Impasse.
I know I'm going to have to make a decision about finishing my hours for MFT. 3000 hours. Only 380 left to go. Then months and months of studying for the exams. For something I don't even want to do. I don't want to do private practice. If I want to use it in another capacity, say running body movement groups for women, I live in the best place in the world because I don't need a damn license for that. I could open up a counseling shop right this moment. Couldn't call myself a therapist, but I could basically offer the same services. Probably wouldn't get paid as much, but so what? This was not a waste of my time. I've learned a hell of a lot about myself and about other people. I'll ALWAYS have the training and probably even the mind of a therapist. I can and will always be able to see through that lens. Plus I have a Master's Degree. Only about 10% of the country's population have gone as far. That is in no way a waste of my time.
So I should suffer through months and months, probably about a year and a half, creating within myself an extremely unhealthy environment? I've been off my anti-depressants for months and I haven't needed to go back on them. I would if I went back to try and finish. I would hate my life every single day because I would be doing something I don't want to do. I should do this to myself for the principle of "finishing something out"? Fuck that.
What is one of the first questions people ask when meeting someone? "So, what do you do?" I've begun to start hating this question. But I'm want to reclaim it.
I want to answer this question thusly, "I dance, I sing, I laugh, I cry, I love. I live. I breathe." or maybe just, "I am."
I suppose though I should be thankful for this anger. And for Marty's father's email. It has given me the energy I was lacking before in my wallowing in un-decision. It has allowed me to really see that I am not going to finish this. While my fears still exist, that maybe I'm making the wrong choice, it still must be done.
My decision is made. I'm done.
Fucking Kudos to me, goddamnit.
No comments:
Post a Comment