Food

I love food!

There are all sorts of tastey things out there that one can consume. Sweet, salty, sour, even bitter. Cold, warm, cool, hot. Pickled, fermented, baked, sauteed, roasted, frozen, raw. Sticky, liquid, chewy, crunchy, melty, gooey. So many options!! How can one resist!!

I love, love, love meat, bread and sweets. My favorites!

But lately, the thing about food, as much as I love it... It's become my Nemesis.

I ate one half of a box of Thin Mints today (at work). I probably would have eaten the entire thing if the first half hadn't already been gone, due to the predations of other staff members.

It's like I couldn't stop. It's always the same these days. I'm saying, "Don't do it! Stop!" as I'm lifting the bread/sweet thing to my mouth. It's agony, berating myself, and yet, I can't stop myself. It seems to have gotten worse since going off wheat, high carbs/starches, most dairy and sugar for four months to determine if I'm allergic to wheat/gluten and sugar. I managed to stay off it all for four months. I ate meat and veggies and liked it. I didn't have much trouble with not eating those items, especially finding a nice pasta substitute (Tinkyada, excellent stuff!). But you can't get good non-gluten bread. So then I fell off, the wagon so to speak. These items are basically like crack to me. I'm helpless in the face of bread and sugar. And it fucks me up. Not seriously horribly like it can do to people who have a really bad allergy. But my chronic pain stuff flares, I get tired, bloated and depressed.

I'm glad I never got addicted to really noxious substances like streets drugs, alcohol, nicotine, even caffeine. Because this is bad enough. I was reading in The Diet Cure by Julia Ross, that basically, carbs and sugar ARE physically addicting. And the body wants more of what's bad for it. Now, how messed up is that?

I lost almost twenty pounds in that four months and I was just as sedentary as I am now, meaning I hate moving. No, it was not the damn Atkins diet because I ate plenty of carbs, all veggies and fruit. And as soon as I started eating bread again, the weight came back... in about two to three weeks. That's how toxic it is to my body. Sigh, but how I love it so!! Sniff.

Since then, I've been re-starting over and over... going off the Badness for a couple of days and then bingeing for a day. Sometimes I aggressively binge on purpose (such as today), thinking, "If I eat too much, it'll make me sick and I won't want to eat it anymore." Like that time in the Navy that I drank so much Southern Comfort, that I was so drunk and sick I could barely see. To this day, the merest sight of the stuff makes my stomach turn over. So, the same must apply to food, eh? If I eat too much, I'll get sick like that and, hey, problem of unstoppable desire solved! Haha.

So, back to 180 pounds, face breaking out, feeling so old, fat and ugly, I don't want any photos taken of me. Cameras can kiss my ass. Sigh. As a friend of mine says, "Assume the position." Marty took all these photos me (on my extremely sweet new uber Canon DSLR), awwwing and "You're so cute!" over them, with me squirming and decrying each and every one of the shots, "No! I'm ugly!"

Grumble. Pooey. Kiss my ass.

Assume the position.