Soak It Up

For me, fear is pain. And I am so afraid of pain. Physical, emotional, especially spiritual. Although I have to say physical seems to take precedent when I'm thinking about pain. When thinking of exercising or, as I was leaning towards, skateboarding. The thought of falling and the ensuing pain from a "big slam", as its called in the skating world, scares the crap out of me.

A lot of things scare the crap out of me and I tighten up on myself, usually physically, which usually leads to pain. Ah Circularity. And how like a sponge I become with fear and pain.

Pain - Oingo Boingo

Welcome to my little world, completely self-contained, yeah
Your problems they will soon be gone
We soak up, soak up, soak up lots of pain, yeah

If life is a reflecting pool, then we are like a sponge, yeah
Absorbing the good with the bad
We soak up, soak it up

So give me all your troubled thoughts
And baggage you can't handle, no
We'll gladly take it off your back
We soak, soak up, soak up lots of pain, yeah

(chorus)
Is it any wonder now, everybody goes insane
Everybody locks the door to keep out any strangers
Everybody's all pent up, everybody's got short fuse
Getting ready to blow up, we live in so much danger
Boys and girls in a line, come and get your big reward
You're not too late just in time
Put your hand on mine, you're mine, you're mine

When everybody has gone to bed, and children are asleep, yeah
I sit up late and watch TV
And soak up, soak up, soak up lots of pain, yeah

Little junior on the bus, his notebook by his side, yeah
He hardly ever makes a fuss, he soaks up so much pain

We've traveled far this monkey and me, by airplane, boat and train, yeah
We're here to eat up all your sins (and soak up all your pain), yeah
And soak up, soak up, soak up all your pain, yeah

(chorus)
Boys and girls of every creed, religion and persuasion, no
It's time to get up off your knees, we soak up, soak it up
So open the door and let me in, don't question who I am, no
Just shake my hand and give me your name
We soak up, soak it up

Listen!

I did end up buying a skateboard, well, a longboard, more suited for "cruising" around rather than tricks and such. But it got sold probably four days after purchased because I fell pretty much every time I was on it and I just got too nervous. I've tried pulling out my rollerblades but the similar fear comes up. Falling.

Saturday, 3/31, Marty and his best friend James, and I went down to Santa Cruz in order to see Adyashanti, a zen meditator teacher type, do they have an official name? We went on the Boardwalk and it was the first time I'd ever been to Santa Cruz. Well, the Boardwalk anyway. I think I was down there previously for an herbal consult appointment (me as "patient").

The Boardwalk was just like every Boardwalk I'd seen in movies or on TV. Lights, rides, lots of sugary things to eat. James and Marty wanted to go on a roller coaster. I did not. Remember that fear of falling? It's not so much the plunging to my death from a great height. I know, to some degree that I am safe within the car, etc. Well, I do have fears around that but they don't seem as strong as the physical sensation of falling that causes such terrifying and griping fear. Ultimately, I suppose it's all about the existential fear of death.

So we buy our tickets, the old fashion "Six Tickets Per Ride" thingie and get in line for the Great Dipper, a roller coaster built in the 1920's or some such, now named a National Historical Thingie. I think that's the category in any case. You know, one of those old wooden ones, that make lots of clacking and ratcheting noise as it rolls around. At fast speeds, down hills.

I'm fretting in line, twisting my fingers, which is one of my signs of anxiety; I start picking at my fingernails and entwining and twisting my fingers about. Surely, we are going to die.

As we get closer and can see the cars being loaded up and taking off, people screaming in what is to my ears, mortal terror, mine only gets worse. But you know, once you're sitting in the car, locked in with that stupid, flimsy little bar (full body harness, please!!), you're done for. There's no getting off. You are in for this ride. No changing your mind.

So the bar goes down, last check and they release the brakes or whatever. Okay, and really does the very first fucking thing have to be plunging you down a steep hill, diving into a tunnel of darkness? I screamed, but not those "Whoo, this is scarey fun!!" but the little gasping screams of the truly terrified. Since I did not have a full body harness, I jammed my feet into the front bar of the car and held on, pushing out with my feet to keep from jumping up out of the seat going down hills (an experience I've had before on log flues and other coasters).

Well, so what do I do usually do with pain? I close around it, hiding myself away, tightening up physically against the pain, emotional and physical. Run and hide.

Who Can It Be Now? - Men At Work

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go away, don't come 'round here no more.
Can't you see that it's late at night?
I'm very tired, and I'm not feeling right.
All I wish is to be alone;
Stay away, don't you invade my home.
Best off if you hang outside,
Don't come in - I'll only run and hide.

Who can it be now? Who can it be now?
Who can it be now? Who can it be now?

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor.
If he hears, he'll knock all day,
I'll be trapped, and here I'll have to stay.
I've done no harm, I keep to myself;
There's nothing wrong
with my state of mental health.
I like it here with my childhood friend;
Here they come, those feelings again!

Who can it be now? Who can it be now?
Who can it be now? Who can it be now?

Is it the man come to take me away?
Why do they follow me?
It's not the future that I can see,
It's just my fantasy

Oh... Who can it be now?
Oh... Who can it...
Who can it...
Yeah yeah yeah

Official music video. Listen!


So at one point, I was aware of loud sobs almost without tears coming out of my mouth, racking my body. But I just let it happen. I really couldn't do anything else under this massive onslaught of adrenaline and fear. Marty was sitting next to me and I was barely aware of him. I think he touched my hand or knee a couple of times but I'm really not sure, my body couldn't assimilate anything else at that point. I had to let it do with my body whatever it would do. And so crying is how it came out, along with those little rabbit-caught-by-a-fox screams.

I wasn't able to transmute the sensations in the moment. You know, some people get on those crazy things and scream and laugh and let their fear become Fun Fear. Rather than Fear Fear. However, there were moments that I could almost see that quality of Fun Fear, where my body could relax into the swinging and dropping motions, roll with the flow. But, as I said, I couldn't quite get there. When the car stopped, I was gasping in short little mewls and my legs were almost non-existent, jello, and quivering as such. Mmmm, maybe cherry flavor.

But, I will say, I think for the first time in memory, I wanted to get back on and challenge that fear. To see if I could allow myself to let go, bodily sink into the swing and drop, the horrible feeling of falling, falling into Fear I feel like I will never come out of.

I had had a Rosen session earlier in the day with Steuart, my bodyworker. David (my cousin who died in 1994, one of my soul's mate, like a brother to me, as an only child) had come up, intertwined with my Passion (meaning Creativity, Spirituality, Eros of Life). It was a hard session as I realize that I'm still carrying so much grief around losing him. All this was sitting in my body before the Coaster ride. Being how I've found Rosen so helpful to me, I can't help but think this is part of my wanting to go back, challenge Fear, conquer it.

Because my Fear goes beyond just the physical. I fear myself. I think I am ugly, fat and gross. And, yes, I'm about forty pounds over where I want to be but not obese by any sense of the word. But I still hate the way I look. Fear of Self, being Powerful, being Beautiful. Being full Real and Deep.

David held the faith in me that I am powerful, beautiful, Amazonian without ever even saying anything such.

And so in the midst of all of this, I recognize this about myself:

Excerpt from: Easter - Stuart Davis

I'm just the girl with the planet inside of me
I'm the daughter of Man but the men have been fighting me
I bathed my brother and my brother ignited me
Divinity's twins 'til some devil divided the
Goddess from the hominid's odyssey
I am, I am what I am
I am an antidote to the new age philosophy
Epicac to this mythic coprophagy

Heh.

Stuart Davis live, performing the song.