New Year's Intention

I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I think they are a way to set ourselves up for inevitable failure. Of course, Marty will also tell you that I am a Cynic of the first degree. And he's right.

At one point, long, long ago, in a life far, far away, I made a New Year's Resolution with my cousin David Bennett. We both resolved to never again make a New Year's Resolution. I guess it's the only New Year's Resolution I've ever kept!!

But in keeping with this old Resolution, I now only make New Year's Intentions. Goals or Goal, if you will.

Usually these are broad and sweeping, and many. As in too many to possibly keep up with, even when setting intentions. Such as "Learn guitar, clean my room (house), keep up with communication, do all sorts of crafts, blah blah, on and on, etc, etc." Tons of things to do that I never seem to keep up with. I think partly because I tend to overwhelm myself with too many things to "intend" to do. Hmmm, so still a set up for failure, it seems!!

So perhaps setting just one Intention, one Goal, might be a better direction. Something I really want. Hmmmm.

So, my New Year's Intention is that I want to look HAWT by the next Burn (meaning Burning Man 2008, August 25, 2008). And by HAWT, I mean around 150 pounds, more flexible and stronger, more shapely.

Mostly, I want to feel better. My body seems to react to weight as if it were double or triple the actual weight I am. My heart arrhythmia gets very active, my joints hurt (more than usual), I'm achy and tired all the time, I can't walk up the stairs of my house without getting out of breath and setting off my heart even more. I waddle. Yes, waddle. Blearg!!! My clothes don't fit and I don't like the way that I look.

I want to be able to do physical activities again, such as rock climbing. I never even considered that I would even like rock climbing until I met my husband who loves to climb. Granted, he hasn't been for some time as well, but I think I mostly like rock climbing because of his love for it. Somehow his love seems to translate out into me on some energetic level. When I am on belay, I can in my hands and feet, his hands and feet. I can feel his fingers curling around a handhold, his toes seeking and pushing into a tiny nubbin and holding with a confidence that I don't have in my own feet when climbing. I can feel his mind ticking away, examining the route ahead, eyes roving around. I don't have anywhere near the same knowledge or experience that he has (climbing for years and me, well, probably less than six months if you squish it down). With some refresher and strengthening, he's up to a 5.11 (fairly hard climb rating) in no time and I'm still stuck at 5.4 (pretty easy). I've been up to 5.8 but only have after really working on it. And I've never been out of the climbing gym. But, there's something about climbing I find myself attracted to. Again, I think, more through the energy body of my husband than my own attraction. And I'm okay with that.

But activities that I've always been personally drawn to, such as dancing of all forms, martial arts, fencing, etc, I want to be able to do again. And just being physical over all. I used to have a Mesomorphic body type. I barely had to exercise and just stayed thin and fit. Now, I'm more of an Endomorph, gain weight far too easily and have a hard time getting it off. I blame the military personally. Boot Camp, to be precise. Eating three massively high caloric meals in 15 minutes a day. I used to eat like a bird, little bits all throughout the day, and weighed 135 at 5'9". I joined the military and 8 weeks later I weighed 160. Yes, I was doing all the physical stuff, you can't not. And no, it wasn't muscle. About 80 percent of the women gained really bad weight. We just don't lose weight the same way and that food was built for men who lose way more calories than women. Plus eating that way seemed to kill my bird-fast metabolism and I was never able to reset it.

Anyway, I am digressing quite a bit. So, to boil it down....

My primary goal: Be healthy!! I want to weigh 150 and gain back a good amount of strength, endurance and flexibility by August 25, 2008.

I would like to set some other goals to engage in but they aren't as in important to me and I don't want to put them out there to overwhelm myself. And yes, I do notice they are the same ones that I spoke of at the beginning! But!! The primary goal is priority!!!

Secondary goals:

1. Engaging in more creativity (be it crochet or jewelry or photography, just something!!).
2. Start learning, or progressing with, an instrument (be it guitar, violin/fiddle, dijeridu).
3. Keeping up with any classwork from classes that I take on and really studying.
4. Having a clean room and house with some "spring cleaning" (getting rid of stuff).
5. Maintain contact with friends and family on a more consistent basis.
6. Try and finish my MFT hours, if possible.
7. Stop chewing on the inside of my cheeks and lips when nervous.
   

Well, there it is. Primary goal takes priority!

Viva la New Year!!

Addiction

You know, I've never quite "gotten" addiction until just recently. Which is rather funny considering I work with the dually diagnosed who deal with serious addiction issues every day. But since I have never really dealt with a hardcore addiction myself, I have only been able to relate to it in an intellectual fashion.

But lately, I am starting to feel like I am dealing with an addiction (two actually). While not "hardcore", in the sense of drugs or alcohol or such, still falling within the definition of addiction.

"An addiction is a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences to the individual's health, mental state or social life. The term is often reserved for drug addictions but it is sometimes applied to other compulsions, such as problem gambling, and compulsive overeating."

And Addiction, what be thy name(s)? Eating crap and World of Warcraft.

Both are a recurring compulsion. I'm not really sure which is worse as in most gripping, or if they equal sway. Or which is worse as in most harmful, since maybe, they have equal impact. In different ways.

World of Warcraft

Well, since starting playing about... gosh, has it been two years ago?, I have been quite sucked in. I play a lot. Mind you, I go through cycles where I play less but for the most part, I probably play every day, well okay, about four days a week. Hmm, actually now that I think about it, I really don't play a lot in comparison to true hard core gamer types. I play a couple of hours each day in my three to four days a week. Okay, maybe not even though much. Hmm. Well, I do play all day on Wednesday when my husband has his overnight and I have the day to myself. So, I guess my addiction is distraction in general, usually in the form of a video game, be in on the computer or console, or watching TV. It is compulsive in that I do when I should be doing other things, more important things. I make my list of things to do and then I get home and I play WoW or watch TV. The harmful consequence of this? I don't get shit done. I ignore things that I would/could/should be doing, that could potentially be fulfilling, such as creative artsy stuff, such as learning a musical instrument, such as cleaning my damn room!! Compulsion? Addiction? Hmm... maybe this one is not so clear cut as the second category.

FOOD!!!!

I can't seem to stop myself from eating something tasty and completely bad for me (remember, for me, sugar and wheat are mildly toxic) and continue in a compulsive manner until feeling ill and then keep eating after that state has been reached. 'Til the thought of eating anything ever again makes me sick. Never mind with each bite of sugar and wheat, I'm adding a pound. Plus, my energy is nil and I feel ill. That would be the "despite harmful consequences". But somehow, I have zero body memory around this and I keep doing it. I guess that's the "addiction" part. Bleh.

Now that I think about it, I would say eating has a worse impact on me and life than WoW does. It is an entirely different matter to mentally state you are not going to do something (I'm going to play WoW rather than call these kid places), than it is to feel physically unable to do something. I know the mind still plays a factor in this. If you think you are physically weak, you can create this reality in yourself. And I have become quite physically weak... can't even do one push up and I at least could do 10 (I know, still a paltry number, but damned better than zero!). And the less exercise I get, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the less exercise I want to do. Damn vicious cycle isn't it.

But it's like any cycle, I guess. You have to break it at some point. Now while sugar and wheat are known addictive substances, I imagine that my body isn't as physically addicted as say it would be on crack or heroine. Although I have seen some nutritionists argue this case. But I know that I have been able to go without wheat and sugar for a good three solid months and "cold turkey", so I'm not so bad off. Thing is, once I got off that, I haven't been able to go back on. I usually only last a couple of days before pouncing on the bread again. I'm not sure how I managed it the first time!

But something's gotta give. Either the cycle or me. I'd prefer the cycle because I'm in trouble. I weigh more than I ever have in my life. Fortunately, I'm tall, it distributes fairly well, but I'm feeling it physically and not in a good way. I'm tired, I'm achy, I'm ready to get rid of this.

But oh look, the holidays are ahead. Bah.

Work Update

Well, I'd about had it with work, as I'm sure you have been able to tell from all my previous posts. Although I still had my job, I felt like the "Final Warning" hanging over my head was a job death sentence. And after getting no back up from the Uppers, my situation felt worse.

So, I started to look for a new job, trying to beat the axe fall to the punch. And so I started looking for a full time job, likely a 9 to 5 type (slash wrists) dealing with kids in order to get my MFT child/family/couple grouping of hours fulfilled (the only hours I have left, 380 to go to finish my 3000 and time running out, well, as you know because I had wanted to quit and I've not worked on my hours for almost two years). I start losing hours in January 2008. Bah. I had been looking for a part time sort of thing to fit in around my great and open schedule but the one day that I actually work most of the day and overnight (damn Thursday!!) kept getting in the way of taking on a part time job and most internships are during the school year months and already filled. So I figure, "Well, I need a new job, I might as well get a kid job and get my hours."

And it was really hard. I was really angry and upset. I don't necessarily love my job at Eucalyptus House and often don't even particularly like it, but compared to what's out there for income, it's pretty good. And you can't beat the schedule, 45 hours a week in basically two days. Plenty of time for classes and whatever else I want. Great benefits, although pretty much every other place I looked at had the same thing. Non-profits: great benefits, really suck ass pay. And occasionally, I have moments at work that I really enjoy. So I didn't want to leave, especially due to the situation that developed. But I started looking.

But damn. In order to make what I make here (I only make $14.70 but get overtime and some tiny bits of double time), I'd have to make about $18 an hour and I couldn't find really anything I remotely wanted to do over $12. Marty and I can take maybe a couple of hundred dollar hit to our income but not $600 a month.

Soon I started thinking about how this could possibly work. At work, I started ducking my head and basically shut my mouth. I didn't speak up about anything, I didn't offer my clinical opinion, I didn't really say anything other than what was required to do my job. And suddenly, work has been much better. The one boss I've had the most trouble with (the one who has been rude to us, treated us like children, even shouted and sworn at me), has been fairly nice. Occasionally she has her moments, but for the most part, it's been okay. Never mind me wanting to throw up over her disingenuous, saccharine sweetness and her "clinical" ideas of things, not to mention the whole Toxic Green and Bypassing thing.

So I start thinking, well, maybe I can stay. Just remove my personal investment in the job. Just do the job as a job. Mind you, I would not make the residents suffer, that I will still continue to give them my good service, but probably I will not put myself out there as much as I used to. Not now that I cannot make my own clinical decisions (this was part and parcel of my job before but The Twain, as my co-worker calls them, seem to want to control everything we counselors do), cannot truly engage a client in a real fashion (shadow exists, people, get over it!), and have way too much fucking paperwork than ever before to do.

But I realize that this job is not me. And I've even managed some distance from it as well. I realize what's been happening to me in this job is not about me at all. But it certainly has pushed me to realize a few things. One: A spine is good, even if it gets you into trouble, because it's not your spine that gets you into trouble, it's people's reactions and jealousies to your spine. Two: I'm not so wounded like The Twain that I have to take it out all over other people in order to control my environment (well, sometimes I do that). Three: Fuck you, bitches!! Okay, I feel better.

So although I still have to deal with the treatment I and the whole team get, I'm back to looking for part time kid hour type things, even looking at unpaid (ahh, the life of the therapist intern) gigs. And for now, just keeping my head down at work as best as I can. Lords, sometimes it's like biting my tongue (off). But at least I still have a job, even if it's not what I would want.

And, now that I've stepped out of the role that I had at work, that of the "One That Speaks Up and Out", the "One That Speaks Of The Forbidden Shadow", some interesting things have occurred. Group dynamics (meaning basically group psychology) abhors a vacuum. So that role that I have vacated, demands to be filled. And it will be filled in one way or another. The Group will either force that role on someone or someone will step forwards into that role, or both. And someone has started speaking up more, in email and a little bit in person and oh my, guess what!!, has already received a written "verbal" warning. Ouch, but I have to say, I feel a little vindicated. And I feel even more able to withdraw my personal self from work since that just goes to show that it really wasn't me in this mess but them. But, group dynamics abhor a vacuum..... and I ain't stepping back in.

So, onwards, fellow co-workers! Brave The Twain!!

IEP

IEP = Inner Essence Photography

Marty says it's corny and cheesy. But it's the name of my new, very small business. Yep, I am a small business owner. Home business, self-business? Usually called a small business, I think. And mine is extra small.

So far I'm just doing headshot type portraits for therapists, who always need them for websites, brochures, etc. And one Bar Mitzvah, initiated by a therapist for next March. Aack!! An actual event.

It's amazing how much crap can come up just from starting up a new business. I think especially for me, since I don't feel trained enough, knowledgeable enough, and of course the oldie but goodie, good enough, blah blah blah.

Yeah.

But off I go into the wild new yonder of the world of the small business.

Viva la capitalism!!

Toxic Green

I have been at my current (as of this date) job for five years. I hit my five year mark around October 9th, 2007 or so. I think it's the longest I've ever worked at a place, mostly because I've worked in so many libraries while at school, I've lost count. I think I've only had two "official" jobs after graduate school. UBH (United Behavioral Health), the McDonald's of the Mental Health world, answering phones for a big insurance company, helping customers access their mental health benefits, very corporate environment and Eucalyptus House, my current job. I don't think I've ever been fired. I'm generally a good worker. I might have a few bumps in the road, especially at the beginning (I have, like who doesn't, authority issues) but I always settle down. So after five years, these two new women take over the program, a new Director and Assistant director and woah.

They come into the program and approach us (the counseling team) like they are having to perform a hostile takeover. And I think we were all just blinking, going "What?" because we had just been waiting to get these positions filled and some of us were even looking forwards to them coming on (my husband had worked with one of them at his house and highly recommended her). But suddenly we are dealing with irritable bosses who treat us rudely and like children. And those of us dumb enough, strong enough, to speak up and out find ourselves at the end of the barrel and over a barrel as well. Bastian was smart; he left due to his frustration around the new bosses. And after he left, I was the one left with the "big mouth", speaking up and, in their minds, against the Fluffy Bunny way of life.

Shadow exists, people!! Get used to it!

But alas, no matter that I have seven years of clinical work under my belt, that I'm a professional, that I know what I'm doing in this job and have worked here for five years. Suddenly I have four different issues I've been "written" up for. The last one being the "final warning and your next one is your termination". Considering no one else was being written up for some of the same "things" I was being written up for, I went up to the next boss at that point, to no avail. To my knowledge, no one else has been written up even though others continue to do the same thing that I was accused of doing. So, yeah, I feel singled out.

So as I was driving home from work the other day, fuming a bit about my supervisor's attitude, this song came up on my iPod. It struck me how appropriately this describes my situation and how I understand Toxic Green and Bypassing.

Insanity - Oingo Boingo

I'm so sorry, please forgive me
Who do I pray to to straighten out this problem?
Straighten out this problem, straighten out my mind,
Straighten out this crooked tongue, this crooked tongue, this crooked tongue.
My mind has wandered, from the straight and narrow.
My mind has wandered from the flock you see.
My mind has wandered, the man just said so.
My mind has wandered, I heard it on TV.
And the flock has wandered away from me now.

-chorus-
All around the world now
Like a big bright cherry cloud
Traveling from home to home
TV sets and telephones
Here it comes just like a storm
Bathe in it and be reborn
Time to let the world know
Welcome madness, say hello, say hello, say hello
Like a wave we cannot see
Washing over you and me
Hiding here and hiding there
Madness hiding everywhere
Such a curiosity
Here it comes to set us free
Plenty left for you and me
Say hello insanity

I am the virus, are you the cure?
I am morally, I'm morally impure
I am a disease and I am unclean
I am not part of God's well oiled machine
Christian nation, assimilate me
Take me in your arms and set me free
I am part of a degenerate elite
Dragging our society into the street
Into the abyss and to the sewer don't you see
The man just told me, he told me on TV

Do you think you're better than me
Do you want to kill me or befriend me

The alcoholic bastard waved his finger at me
His voice was filled with evangelical glee
Sipping down his gin and tonics
While preaching about the evils of narcotics
And the evils of sex, and the wages of sin
While he mentally fondles his next of kin
My mind has wandered from the flock you see
And the flock has wandered away from me
And he waved his hypnotizing finger at me

Let's imitate reality
Let's strive for mediocrity
Let's make believe were all the same
Let's sanitize our little brains
I'd love to take you home with me and tuck you into bed
I'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head
I'd love to hear you laugh tonight, I'd love to hear you weep
I'd love to listen to you while you're screaming in your sleep

Christian sons, Christian daughters
Lead me along like a lamb to the slaughter
Purify my brain and hose down my soul
White perfection, perfection is my goal

Do you think you're better than me
Do you want to kill me or befriend me

Christian nation, make us all right
Put us through the filter and make us pure and white
My mind has wandered from the flock you see
And the flock has wandered away from me

Lets talk of family values while we sit and watch the slaughter
Hypothetical abortions on imaginary daughters
The white folks think they're on the top ask any proud white male
A million years of evolution, we get Danny Quayle

(chorus)

I'd love to take you home with me, I'd love to tuck you in
I wish I could protect you from the wages of our sin
I'd love to hear you scream tonight, I'd love to hear you cry
Protect you from the madness that is raining from the sky

(chorus)

I'd love to take you home with me and tuck you into bed
I'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head
I wish that I could keep you in a precious Chinese box
On Sundays I would pray for you so it would never stop
I'd love to hear you laugh tonight, Id love to hear you weep
I'd love to listen to you while you're screaming in your sleep
I'd love to soothe you with my voice and take your hand in mine
I'd love to take you past the stars and out of reach of time
I'd love to see inside your mind, to tear it all apart
To cut you open with a knife and find your sacred heart
I'd love to take your satin dolls and tear them all to shreds
I'd love to mess your pretty hair, I'd love to see you dead.

Prepare for the bizarreness of an Oingo Boingo video and the fantastic creepiness of Danny Elfman. Well, you used to be able to, but again, nixed. Different and really long. (That one nixed, medium length put in. Sigh, I hate when this happens).

I've Got A Good Mind...

Well, the last straw was yet ANOTHER write up at work and finally I took it up to the next level, my bosses boss. As I was driving to the meeting with said person, Rock You Like a Hurricane come up and I was thrilled and inspired and walked into the meeting feeling pretty good. And I did pretty good job, stayed professional, mature. But to no avail, she agreed to just about everything my bosses had said. I'm sort of like "Whatever" at this point. I know I'm a good worker. I know this isn't about me but my Toxic Green bosses and their Fluffy Bunny, bypassing attitudes.

So after I left and was driving (my nice new scooter, well, a few weeks old or so) home, this song came on my iPod and I felt relieved. Maybe it is time to go. Ahh, but so confusing. But in that moment, it felt so right.

As to the lyrics, I couldn't find an official listing and many sites listed different things for "pack it in, jack it in", so I'm just putting the one up that sounds the closest!!

Maddening Shroud - Frou Frou

Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes I'll have you know it's all insane
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth

Sometimes I like to get away from this saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth

Some days my strength walks out
Some days I can't go on
It is for real
We can walk about
We can work it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth

Some sort of strange anime clip video, not the official artist's music video.

The Mist

FUCK!!!!!!

(*run around, screaming and waving hands*)

I just saw a trailer on TV for the movie The Mist, adapted from a Stephen King novella. You can go here to view it.

I know, y'all are saying "Yeah, yeah, it's Stephen King, paltry horror crap."

Well, let me tell you about The Mist. I happened to be reading it when I was working the tower for Port Control at the island of Diego Garcia when I was in the Navy. A tall tower with glass windows all around so you can see out over the harbor. So what, you say?

Well, Diego Garcia is in the Indian Ocean, about seven degrees south of the Equator, one to two thousand miles in any direction to the nearest land masses (Africa, west; India, north; Australia, east). A tropical island most people would love to vacation on. That sugar white sand, the luscious blue water you can clearly see your feet on the bottom waist deep, temperature not too hot due to the island breezes blowing over the small bit of land. Of course, unless you're in the military, you'll never see it. Sorry. But one thing about this very tropical island is that it had very tropical weather. Which includes a lot of rain. A lot of rain. No, really. A damn lot of rain. It could rain for fifteen minutes, it could rain for two days straight. And because this little island is sea level, large, sloshy pits of water would form up in the road ways (which had dips slightly below sea level), almost deep enough to hit the bottom of the little vans used around the island.

What's a little rain? It was miserable at times, those two day stints but the brief little "squalls" that swept over the island were refreshing.

There and gone. On land, it didn't seem like much, a brief spat of rain and then nothing, a lingering humidity left behind.

But sitting in that port control tower, I could practically see across the entire lagoon, the "bay" of water inside the "footprint" of the actual island land. And I'm merrily reading The Mist on one my duty shifts, I think on one of my first day shifts alone after training. So far, I had only experienced the squalls on land. They were fun, immediate and brief. But here I am reading about a thick, white mist taking over a small town with freaky, killer, trans-dimensional spiders or bugs swarming in it when I look up and see a solid wall of white advancing across the water from the opposite side of the lagoon, headed directly toward my little tower. I think my eyes got about as wide as they have ever gotten. I'm thinking of the people holing themselves up in the grocery market, with all those glass windows, surrounded by an almost opaque, white mist; creepy spider things trying to work their way into the store to sup on the tender flesh inside. I had learned the habit during training of keeping the tower door open since the little "office" could certainly bake with all that sun blaring through all that glass and at that moment, it was wide open.

You can damn well bet that I ran for that door, throwing it shut and locking it, clutching my hand held radio, eyes probably growing ever wider as the white wall bears down on me. You see, the squalls on land are tempered by the palm trees and buildings and, well, the small bit of land mass. But the tower was completely open to the lagoon. So when the squall hit, I have not experienced the like before nor since, except once getting hit by a really massive White Out dust storm at Burning Man. It swept over with an almost strange hissing noise and shook the tower practically to the foundations. It raged about my little enclosure, rattling and almost bowing the glass windows until I thought they would shatter (thus allowing all those nasty trans-dimensional beasties in, besides the concept of being shredded by exploding glass, besides just being fucking scary in the moment). Although come to think of it now, I probably would have been safer with the door open to let the pressure off the glass.

And I couldn't see shit. It was completely white beyond the windows, I couldn't even see the railing of the little catwalk of the tower, not two feet from the windows. I couldn't see anything in any direction and I had a 360 degree view from that tower. I think I just stood there, rather like a rabbit in shock, while the squall raged around me and my little tower. I was stunned by its power, in awe over this wild and almost savage act of nature. And of course, just waiting for those trans-dimensional spiders to break through and eat me. I am not kidding you. This is why I shouldn't have read or watched any sort of horror media at the time, I was a lot more lured into the story and less able to separate "reality/fantasy" boundaries than I am now.

Then the rain started lashing at the windows, blurring and obscuring my vision of that solid white, and suddenly, it was gone. It was so clear afterwards, as though the storm had swept away any particles in the air that might muck up distance viewing.
The sun was merrily shining across the lagoon water, making it light up with that fantastic tropical blue color that I have come to miss. My little tower had held up, the windows were fine. Of course, the tower and windows had been going through this almost daily for years but I didn't take that into account, especially having the fear of the King in me at the time.

After that first squall, I learned to just calmly close the door and would watch with some interest, always with awe, as those walls of white swept towards me, would not quake along with the tower and would almost shrug as it passed on by. But every single time, I was always reminded, even if faintly, of that novella, The Mist.

I don't know if I'll be seeing the movie or not.......

Rock You Like a Hurricane

Well. You know the song. Don't deny it, you know you do and you know you used to sing to it and probably even dance to it, so I don't want eye rolling of any kind unless it's to swing your long ass 80's hair hard in circles.

So you have to wonder what the quality of your life must be like if you wake up with the Scorpions "Rock You Like a Hurricane" stuck in your head. Because that's what happened to me this morning. Got up (at work) and "Here I am!!" comes crashing through my head like the iceberg through the Titanic. Great. "Rock you like a hurricane!!" it exuberantly continued. Oh great, even *I* remember the damn words. But then, the fun doesn't stop there because it sings out happily again... "Here I am! Rock you like a hurricane!", over and over. Like one of those mockingbirds that thinks that outside your very own bedroom window is the best place to go through his entire repertoire of sounds at the top of his lungs at three in the morning. And they have some amazing lung capacity for a little bird. And apparently, I don't know the words after all. Except those.

But I suppose it's appropriate for my life lately. I've been having a hard time at work with my new bosses. Hmmm, do I continue to tear them a new asshole? Really, this is my blog after all, so what. Bah.

So we got a new director and assistant director recently, about three or four months ago, I guess. And wow. Well, just, wow. Marty calls their style of approach "Toxic Green". Green being a level of a type of stage development created/put together by Ken Wilber. A narcissistic, integral philosopher bald fuck that Marty likes a lot. He's okay. I haven't really read enough of him to really know but I sure do hear a lot about him from Marty.

So apparently level Green is when people develop the mindset of equal harmony and destruction of hierarchy. The toxic side of Green would be taking this to a ridiculous level, a shadow level of bypassing bullshit. Where EVERYONE is equal and there is no hierarchy. When of course, there absolutely exists a hierarchical structure. So my bosses are so client-centered they border on insane. And very staff-ignorant. And in work like mine, you have to take care of your staff or guess what, the clients will suffer! Gasp! Wait a minute! By jove, they've got it all wrong!!

I was almost assaulted by a resident the other week. In the setting I work in, transitional housing, not an acute crisis program, violence towards staff is, at least to my understanding in the past five years or so, not tolerated. Period. You make a violent gesture towards staff, you are OUT. Usually next day if not right then (the police take you off and you're 5150'd). But the resident is still here and doesn't even have a three day notice, or a thirty day notice. Granted they didn't want to give him a 30-day notice, have him be more pissed off at me and me still working there. But please. He shouldn't be there anyway. But the police did not take him away when I called them when the incident happened. So after this, my bosses wanted me to sign a "Mutual Respect Agreement", stating that staff and resident will not be violent towards each other. The resident had told my bosses that I was the one to yell at him and raise my hand towards him. I refused to sign it, stating that signing this would play into his delusions that I was the one attacking him, not the other way around. My bosses didn't like this and on and on. Very annoying, very unsafe. I could go on and on but really, I'm so tired of the situation I could just puke. So screw them.

So, in the meantime, I've been waking up with these "Kick Ass" or "inspirational" songs in my head. Probably in a desperate attempt to keep me from saying the above to their faces. In an attempt to keep me from collapsing and quitting. Because I do like the hours and my benefits. So, the songs. Stuck in my head, most mornings.

Rock you like a hurricane, bitches!!

Fortunately, I have been waking up with better inspiring songs "stuck" in my head. Such as this one.

Good Times Around the Bend - String Cheese Incident

Gonna pick myself up off the ground
When that old feeling comes around again
I’ve had enough of feeling down
There’s something I’ve lost that must be found again

chorus:
Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there’s good times around the bend
The rollercoaster’s got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again

Driving down the highway in the rain
Look out of my window and see that southbound train
It’s headlights still shining in my brain
Stayed right alongside me just to ease my pain
chorus

Well the snow is gone and the springtime’s here
And the rivers song is buzzing in my ears
Sit and watch the treetops sway
Here comes a breeze to blow my cares away
chorus

String Cheese performing live.



So. Way better than the drivel crap that was "Rock You..." (you know you loved it!!).

Rock You Like a Hurricane - Scorpions

It’s early morning
The sun comes out
Last night was shaking
And pretty loud
My cat is purring
And scratches my skin
So what is wrong
With another sin
The bitch is hungry
She needs to tell
So give her inches
And feed her well
More days to come
New places to go
I’ve got to leave
It’s time for a show

Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane

My body is burning
It starts to shout
Desire is coming
It breaks out loud
Lust is in cages
Till storm breaks loose
Just have to make it
With someone I choose
The night is calling
I have to go
The wolf is hungry
He runs the show
He’s licking his lips
He’s ready to win
On the hunt tonight
For love at first sting

Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Rocked you like a hurricane

It’s early morning
The sun comes out
Last night was shaking
And really loud
My cat is purring
It scracthed my skin
So what is wrong
With another sin
The night is calling
I have to go
The wolf is hungry
He runs the show
He’s licking his lips
He’s ready to win
On the hunt tonight
For love at first sting

Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane
Here I am

Sorry to have to do this to you, but....

Being a Woman

Okay, y'all get to hear some graphic details now. Yay you.

Occasionally I get this idea, it rolls through my head and usually is gone soon thereafter. And no, it's not because I'm blonde. It's because my brain is made of swiss cheese. And so full of stuff that I can't keep my thoughts oriented on one thing for long.

So my mind pops up with many different things, probably about every few minutes or so.

And then this new thought. "Oh, that's a possible option." But it doesn't stay. Until a few months ago when it settled in with claws.

I'm talking about tubal ligation. Getting your "tubes tied", getting "sterilized", another word I've seen used. What a distasteful word.

About a year and a half ago (I think), I decided to get off the Pill because I didn't want to mess with hormones anymore. Mine are probably messed up enough as it is. Didn't want barrier methods. Uhm, hello, condoms? Eeww? Never liked 'em and besides, hello, married! Diaphragm, sponge, foams... boring, hate interrupting the... flow of things.

So off to my trusty and extremely perky gynecologist. I love my gynecologist. She's through Kaiser and even though she is so very perky, she is nice and careful and all that. For what is, any way you put it, a rather uncomfortable affair. We women sure do have a lot of bits to take care of. How annoying. At times.

I'd done research on IUDs (Inter-Uterine Device) even though originally when I was younger, had heard they were the Devil's work. Apparently they used to cause many awful problems for women. Something to do with the type of string used in its old construction. It bred bacteria which in turn bred very nasty things that do very nasty things to women. PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) and such. But these days IUDs are made with a sort of fishing line type material which is not capable of such dastardly Devilish sort of work. Two kinds, the Copper-T and basically the Copper-T Plus. The Copper-T is old school, formed like a little T with copper embedded, wrapped around, whatever. It's the copper that creates an acidic environment in the uterus that makes dastardly Devilish short work of sperm. Dead. DED. It's good for 10 years or so. The Copper-T Plus (not it's real name, mind you) has hormones also embedded into it, progesterone, I think. That helps with the whole anti-pregnancy as well, rather like the Pill. That is good for 5 years, I do believe.

Putting it in hurts like a fucking son of a bitch, despite the whole numbing needle shot into the cervix crap they do, which, mind you, hurts like a son of a bitch. Plus, she warned me, my periods might get longer, heavier and oh, guess what, MORE fucking painful!! But hey, no worries about messing around at the hot moments to protect oneself, etc. But... she was right. It did make my periods longer, heavier and more painful. But after a while, it did ease a little bit. They are still long and heavy, not as painful. Until the beginning of this year when I started having this weird cramping at random times that seemed to spread from my abdomen into my lower back which made me think my poor kidneys were on fire. Off I go to the doctor (twice), getting the same nurse (twice) and being told (twice) that the major muscles in my back, just in that lower back area, were like iron bars. And that's all it was, back spasms. Here's some muscle relaxers, off you go.

You know, I'm usually a fairly good patient. I will usually do what my doctors tell me to do but in this case, I think I cry Bullshit! It's far too random and always starts in the abdomen. Plus when I exercised, it got worse, or I felt crampy afterwards.

So I started thinking of getting rid of the IUD since maybe this is the cause of these awful cramps, back pain and post-exercise pain. I don't seem to have any symptoms of copper allergy which, from what I've read sounds very awful. Although I wonder what the mild symptoms might look like. I remember when Marty and I had "Promise" rings during our "Year" test to see if we wanted to continue on. His was copper with two silver bands, mine was silver with two copper bands (his favorite metal is copper, mine silver), both with silver linings. His fingers were fine wearing his ring and his had way more copper than mine. The fingers touching the little, thin bands of my ring, on my ring finger, turned green. I didn't get rashes or other symptoms but always green. Yum. So who knows what the inside of my uterus looks like at this point. Maybe it's a build up of some kind, too much sensitivity or whatever.

So if I don't have the IUD, don't want barrier methods, what's left. Besides, hello, married! To hell with all that stuff minus the not wanting to get pregnant. No kids for me thank you very much. I can get one on loan.

So what options are there left. Well, hysterectomy. Take all that shit out. Gods awful if you ask me. Go to Wikipedia to read the horrendous entry on hysterectomies. So, fuck that option with a very long and wide pole. But tubes being "clipped", now there's an option. Apparently they just take up a little bit of the fallopian tube and make a little loop, slipping a ring at the base of this loop, effectively pinching it off. Both sides. No egg goes through, no sperm can enter. Do Not Pass Go!!

Now my father used to castrate kid goats by placing a tight rubber band around the base of the testicle sack. Blood flow gets cut off and eventually the testicle sack withers and falls off and the base is already healed. Apparently not painful. But for some reason, my cute, perky gynecologist says, the blood flow does not get cut off in this case, the pinched loop does not wither and die. She didn't really seem to know why but "that's the way it seems to work". Since tubals have been going on for years and years now, I'm inclined to believe her. But how strange.

So fallopian tubes sealed off. But ovulation still occurs as normal. Periods happen as normal. Hormones don't get fucked with. Don't have an intrusive copper/plastic uterine irritating device thingie in me. So hopefully my periods get shorter, lighter, maybe less painful. And really hope those weird cramps go away.

Doesn't seem like there's any side effects to it unless they fuck up. Have to go under, general anesthesia (I'll get to this) and about a two week recovery time period. Now why wouldn't I ask that Marty have the associated operation for his gender, although it apparently is an easier operation? Well, I want the IUD gone. Although I guess if I think about it, I could get the IUD removed if he were "fixed". But somehow the thought just makes me nervous. What if it didn't work, then I'd be wide open so to speak. Although if the tubal didn't work, I'd still be wide open because he wouldn't be? Errrgg, what a mess and now I'm driving myself crazy thinking about it.

And I haven't even gotten to the psychological parts yet. I'm having a hard time getting past the whole "general anesthesia" thing. It terrifies me. The thought of being "put under" just freaks me out. What if I don't wake up? That's the biggest question I have. Oh, yes, the gas they use is much easier on the system than earlier years, blah blah blah. Marty's been under at least two, I think three or four times in his life (three, I think), two while I've known him, for foot surgery. He described his first time as much worse than the most recent time. Oh, still totally nauseous and crying and shaking when he woke up but hey, still better. Uhm, yeah, great.

They USE a damn GAS to KNOCK YOUR ASS UNCONSCIOUS. I'm sorry but that just can't be good. And how the hell do they know that I'm not going to have a reaction to that CHEMICAL they PUT IN YOUR BODY TO KNOCK YOUR ASS OUT and not wake up? Plus, it's not in my control, so therefore, it is anathema.

So, I'd have to get past that particular fear even if I made the decision to go ahead.

Then there's the psychological piece beyond the anesthesia.

I am a woman, last time I checked. Oooh, wait, let me look... Yep. Female. And part of being a biologically born female is that I indeed have a, I assume, working uterus, working reproductive system. And my role, biologically, of my particular species is to bear young. It's part of what identifies me biologically as a female. Okay. I understand that part. Now, if you take that ability away, does that make me any less female than I already am? I also understand that this part is not the ONLY means of self-identity as a female. Of course there are the psycho-social bits to consider, what I have learned about being female in this society, which, I hate to say, still includes biological roles to some degree. But I've found this issue of "femaleness" in relation to biological role coming up for me as I contemplate this. Would I be less female, less of a woman? I don't think so, in the scheme of things but it niggles at me. And really, so what if I can't reproduce. There are women out there who can't and naturally. A possibly rising rate of those who can't because of... well, who knows what, pollutants or weird mutation of genes (possibly caused by... oh say... pollutants). I'm not talking Children of Men here and I don't know the actual statistics but it seems I am hearing of infertility or difficulties around getting pregnant and birthing more and more. Are they any less "women" because they cannot, not even by choice, reproduce? Of course not! So, why does this plague me? Plus another biological piece... I'm pretty damn sure I don't want kids. And yet, there's that little bit of me that says well, what am I giving up by not being able to have kids? Even though I don't want any. Will I regret this? Even though I really don't want kids. Is it just the mere of idea of not having the option anymore that bugs me? Because I REALLY DON'T WANT KIDS. No. Really.

So, then all the "advice" out there, on the forum boards and such, state that maybe if there is any doubt at all, you should wait. Well. Wait for what? I'm already 34 years old and I know there are going to be no kids popping out of any orifice of my body any time soon. So what am I waiting for? To get older and create even more problems the "both of us"? Hmm. I think not.

So basically, it's these little nagging things, the psychological questions and the anesthesia question that so far have blocked a final decision. Plus, I have to build up two weeks of recovery time, meaning for me two 22 hours shifts a week, 45 hours... x2, 90. Bah. But at least I can take that off of sick time and not vacation.

So... we shall see. And I shall report later.

Burning Man 2007

So I return from my second year visiting Black Rock City, Burning Man 2007.

You can go here for my recounting, which at the time of this posting is still in progress, but here's the link in any case so you can check back!

Or for something completely different, check out Marty's Burning Man snark entry and his photo entry.

Enjoy!

The Level of Bill

So, let me explain Bill Jacks to you.

Bill Jacks is a character from the show "John From Cincinnati" played quite brilliantly by former Married With Children star Ed O'Neill. He was the asshole dad/husband on M w/ C.

The character: He's a former cop whose wife died of some disease, maybe cancer and this apparently sent him over the edge. Owns a messianic, life-giving nanday conure parrot named Zippy (along with a few other birds) and to whom he monologues the shit out of. He's a friend of the crazed surfing Yost family.

And a total whack job.

He's quite neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, paranoid. It's the paranoid part that comes into play for this blog entry. Of course, despite all of his crazy failings, and like most David Milch characters, he has a heart-wrenching underlying sweetness and grand heart.

So I was sitting with my therapist the other day and I was talking about FEAR. And how my fear controls me so much that I really don't do a lot in life that I would like to do, nor does it (meaning myself here) allow me to even like myself much.

I was noticing the different types of Fear that I carry, some ranging towards my own version of Bill Paranoia. I noted that and described Bill Jacks to my therapist. My therapist, at the end of my session, reminded me to see if I could be aware of the various "Levels of Bill" over the next week.

I immediately loved this phrase!! Indeed how appropriate that Bill Jacks become one of my many "sub-ego fragments" or I've also called them little "sub-personalities" running around in my psyche.

And don't anyone freak out and wonder if I'm multiple-personality disordered or anything because, guess what, you've got 'em too. Inner Critic, Inner Child, however you want to name them, we all have these sort of "fragmented bits" running around. And they are just a part of you. My Fear is me. Well, it isn't ME, I am not Fear but it is a part of me. So, that cleared up, onwards!

That twitchy, hand waving, ranting paranoid side of Fear. Bill Jacks to a T!! And now, I too, can be a part of the Bill Jacks experience. What IS my Level of Bill at any given moment. Usually not too high. Usually high when I'm stressed out about something and just spinning it over and over in my mind until it almost becomes a part of my cellular makeup. This is also why I try not to drink a lot of caffeine. I'm often half way there (without the perks, just the jittery bits) in my regular day to day life.

I've seen some blog sites that offer a "This is my mood right now" icon you can select for each blog entry. Maybe it's evil MySpace that does that. (I say Evil because MySpace has got to be one of the ugliest sites I've ever seen, along with Flicker, and doesn't seem to offer many options to make it any less ugly).

I want a "This is my Level of Bill right now." icon to select for my blog entries. Yeah. That sounds good. Bill Jacks, Level 9!

Camping (Body Image)

I like nature and all. Nice trees, clear air. Bugs, dirt. All good, in the scheme of things.

So I went camping with Marty, his friends (and mine, but his first) Emily (American living in England) and Paul (living in Sacramento). Just Friday and Saturday, but in a little state park named Armstrong. We packed like we were going to "pack it in" but I realized that I would just about die if I had to carry a large pack on my back for three miles over rough terrain. So we ended up camping in one of the "moderate" campsites, you know with a flushing toilet structure, fire pit, picnic table. Etc. Still camping, just not as much in the "wilds" as maybe we wanted to be.

But we had a good time. We did the good old camp stove meals, burritos, spaghetti, etc. We watched the night sky and saw some good shooting stars. We chatted late into the night like when you had sleep-overs when you were little. Okay, maybe just the girls would understand that. I don't really know if boys have sleep-overs when they are little. Emily and I had a good girl talk. We all went hiking.

Which brings me to the body image part of camping. I am so out of shape. As we were hiking, I hurt, I was breathing too heavily, my heart was doing its weird arrhythmia thingie (I do believe Paul said we were fairly high up in altitude, which seems to set off my heart worse than just normal exercise).

I had already decided a bit ago that I was going to start my "No Wheat, No Sugar" thing again after Burning Man, basically at the beginning of September. Even though it sucks. Just the thought of doing it again makes my heart sink and my skin crawl. I hate the thought of anything that smacks of deprivation. And not being able to eat wheat or sugar is very much deprivation to me. Like trying to go off crack or something.

But so necessary. Because I can barely move sometimes. So here I go again. Bah. Sniff... I love bread and sugar.

But onwards!!

Desire

I recently have gotten into the television show "House, M.D.", about a brilliant diagnostician with an ill bedside manner; he basically hates people, but loves puzzles. So basically he's an asshole to his patients and his own assembled team of doctors who help him figure out cases and do the "patient stuff".

In Season Two, Episode 13, called "Skin Deep", there was this song played during the episode that so hauntingly echoed what was going on in the show. I looked it up and it ended up being this one.

Desire - Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The water’s higher.
Desire

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire

You know me. You know my way in.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire

I was so struck by the music. And the lyrics. How the song relates to my feeling lost in life. Which direction do I go? Where is my fire? For me the song isn't really about another person, as in the show it wasn't quite either. But about the desire we have for many things: our leg to stop hurting (House is lame in one leg), our sense of passion in life, our direction in life. So, how keen this song.

I found many links on YouTube for this song, although could not find the original artist video, if there even is one. I did find people playing this song on their own, people taking the episode "Skin Deep" and putting together a montage of cuts from the episode to the music. But finally found this one, no video played, just the image of a heart rate monitor or some such, with the song. In it's purity. Because only folks who watch the show would understand what is going on in one of the clip shows. BUT, checking through my blog as I do periodically, it had been pulled by YouTube.com, so here's a live spot. (And found a different version again).

See God, Kai

After the trip to my Father's, during which we saw the phenomenon that was the ending of "The Sopranos", never mind that neither Marty nor I ever watched the series, (we just wanted to join the crowd), we saw an advertisement for another HBO show called "John From Cincinnati". Since we've upgraded to digital cable, we get this rather neat service called On Demand. Shows are saved up on the server, can watch them later, etc, sort of like Tivo, but only the shows that the cable company, Comcast in this case, chooses. As part of our upgrade deal (free for one year, blah blah), we got HBO On Demand. So since "John From Cincinnati" was created by David Milch, who created "Deadwood", Marty very much wanted to see it. I liked "Deadwood" too, so I was open to watching it as well. Yay, HBO On Demand.

So when we got back, the first and second show had already posted to the "server" so we eagerly sat down to watch the first. And then immediately following, the second. Because, oh my gods!

It isn't a show most people would probably like. Tonight is the season finale (and most likely, read here, Series Finale). Which we will get to watch tomorrow afternoon after both us dribble home from our various overnight shifts. Ten episodes. Sniff. No official announcement as of yet but looking like it's going to be canceled. Which is really, really stupid.

Imperial Beach, really fucked up surfing family with a rather fucked up circle of "friends" surrounding them. Enter into this morass of woundedness, John. From Cincinnati. With magic pants that produce money and credit cards and a penchant for artfully repeating back everything you have to say. Who merrily proceeds to throw a bunch of wrenches into the usual workings of this system. Sound strange and confusing? It is.

But oh, how it mesmerizes!! How it catches the heart with its moments of amazing sweetness. It's a rather hard show to describe. I'm not as great putting the feeling of the show into words. Check out Marty's blog entry on JFC, he's more the word smith than I.

I'm more frustrated than he, I think, with thoughts of the impending cancellation. I am so highly irritated that shows like JFC get canceled. That any remotely intelligent show gets canceled so drivel like "reality TV" can be shown just peeves me to no end. JFC got such a panning except by those who could really appreciate it. Perhaps one might say those who have achieved a higher stage of development. Although I doubt anyone except a Buddha type would really understand just what the hell is going on in even one quarter of the time in any given episode.

Perhaps the Finale will tell. Although probably not. My hopes are not high on that factor.

I don't know, Butchie instead.

But that is the Magic of John. In his Father's Words.