Pinnacles

February 22, 2009

You can view my adventures at Pinnacles Park by going to this post at Heather and Marty's Crazy Adventure Blog.

A Sort of Up To Date Post

February 22, 2009 - August 29, 2009

Oohhh, I haven't written in a million years. And no idea why I'm writing now. Well, okay, I do, since my new little mini doesn't hook into the net at Grandpa Cooper's house in Fresno, nothing else to do but write on this thing. So, I guess I'll catch this thing up and upload it later when I have internet connection. So anything after February 22, is being written between Oct. 26-29th, minus the Burning Man stuff, that's much later. Although there are a few single posts I was apparently working on between the time, they get their own date.

There's so much going on. Well, not in terms of daily stuff, that's general routine, work, come home, sleep, get up, work some more. Yes, I said work.

I got a job as a relief counselor at Baker Places, working so far for Jo Ruffin, San Jose Place, Ferguson, Acceptance Place, pretty much most of the houses except Robertson and Baker Street House. Working relief pretty much sucks. Days (really early mornings) and swings (home late and no life) at really sucky pay. Plus struggling to get 40 hours a week can be difficult but fortunately I got lucky and got lots of stuff ahead of time, including a couple of temp hires which was nice to have a set schedule and temp hires pay pretty nice, the regular rate plus a few cents more for no benefit compensation. So those were nice. But after I came off those temps, in preparation for Burning Man 2009, it was a struggle again to make sure I got 40 hours a week, especially since my unemployment benefits had pretty much run out.

Swings were killing me, I was tired of the stress of needing the 40 hours and an opening came up at Robertson, which I'd never worked at but had the schedule I wanted (well, 7am really sucks but you get off at 3pm and can have a life, never mind having to go to bed early, well and running groups. And just still working in this field...). It sucks that the odd thing about this agency, since it has substance abuse, mental health and dual diagnosis houses that I'm better at the mental health houses, due to my background and experience, than the more substance abuse oriented house but I'm more "unconsciously" stressed out at the mental health houses. But I figured I needed to get something permanent, to finish paying off debt, start saving up, etc. Maybe I could transfer to a different house at some point.

So I went to the interview, a couple of days before heading out to Burning Man, after the HR person taking forever to get back to me after putting in my resume. Baker Places is kind of crazy that way. I don't think I did so well at it and I'm not sure that the workers there really liked me. Ah well. Plus who knows about Egypt in April.

Oh, we're going to Egypt in April. We made a "mistake" on our taxes, and the money we set aside for breaking into my IRA early to pay off debt (this was an extremely good thing, understand) but we figured out we'd have to pay a steep penalty in taxes for withdrawing early, so set aside what we thought would be needed to pay the taxes and penalty a year later. But it turned out we only had to pay half that and suddenly the thought to go to Egypt became a reality. This was mid-March, right before I got hired for relief at Baker Places and after some research, decided on April 2010. So Egypt!!!

Another thing I've recently gotten into is the Facebook phenomemnon. I got into it after getting a totally random "friend request" from someone I knew probably a million years ago right after Marty and I were having a talk about Facebook after he got a random request from someone he knew a million years ago. It's a rather obsessive thing, at least at first but wore off after a while, especially the games but then I got pretty obsessive again, sucking up massive chunks of time just to plant virtual crops and make virtual food. Very silly. Plus, the massive amounts of quiz results or applications being posted and clogging up the "news feed" thus that you can't see actual information on statuses or interesting personal information, such as questions one can answer about one's self (I love those things).

And I'm heading off to Burning Man this year, after having some doubts if I was going to go or not (which I'm extremely glad that I ended up going since it was the best year I've ever had). Then William bought two tickets and since he didn't come last year, I felt I had to go this year since he was going. Hmm, chaperoning another virgin. This year's theme is Evolution and Avalon Village is definitely going through an evolution, deciding to break up as a Village since they were going to relegate the villages to the outer 2:00 and 10:00 areas with the rave camps. We requested to be located near each other which turned out very well, getting a very close location (B and 7:30) all together. We will be right next to Quixote's Cabaret to serve Vietnamese Iced Coffee. I think all the Avalon camps are all next to each other. I'm not coordinator of VICC this year and Pretty stepped into the role so VICC will go forth onto the Playa this year. I'm going out with William, caravaning with Gieve and Lisa and cool little walkie-talkies.

All in all, a bit of a stressful few months. Well, a lot stressful since I seem to go in that direction rather than depression these days. I wish I could relax. I've been doing some interesting work around the parasympathtic nervous system, well, mine to be exact, and how does one start "fixing" it. Gods know that I need to be able to do some repair work because I'm so damn anxious all the time, it's so wretchedly awful.

Not That Exciting

February 15 - 21, 2009

I already had a post called "The Same Old" so I guess I couldn't use that again. Even though it's the same.

But here are some vaguely amusing tidbits:

For some reason, Chuck Norris is very popular on World of Warcraft. There are many jokes bandied back and forth about him. I post this LOLCat in honor of the apparently great Chuck Norris.


Because Mel Gibson is totally insane now.... Looks Like:


And an Engrish, just to round it off...

Woo at the Zoo

February 14th, 2009

Valentine's Day at the San Francisco Zoo!!

See my entry on Marty and my "adventure" blog about this strange event!

Play Date With Kasha

February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th... a lucky day on my mother's side of the family so I've never had issue with this day.

Marty and I went over to Kasha's place. Kasha is a good friend of Marty's. She had wanted to have a "Play Date" wherein we could do some fun things out of a book of party games we had given her for Christmas.

We made dinner and chatted and then did a crazy story style "Fortunately/Unfortunately" between the three of us which was hysterical and totally outrageous as those shared stories usually are. It was about a museum cleaning robot, a flaming cat, some shattered ming vases, intergalactic peace and macrame. Yeah. Oh and existential struggles. Basically this museum cleaning robot ends up with a flaming cat duck taped to its head and a museum curator stuck inside and goes out to Ayers Rock to contemplate his existential existance and becomes a guru all the while the universe is in danger of being converted into macrame.

Then we took some very funny pictures of all of us using her Mac laptop. Kasha's a pretty sweet woman, both in personality and looks and some of her photos came out as absolutely funny "alter egos", like the drunken looking "cougar" or the crack addict. We were trying to get her to be "sexy and salacious" with me in the photo, playing off each other but it didn't work out so well, we kept laughing. But here's some of me and Marty.

The Same Old

February 5 - 12, 2009

It's the same old this chunk of post. Looking for a job. Lamenting life. Playing video games. Still attempting to finish my messy room...

Nothing really new.

Third Eye

February 4, 2009

Hmm, this is starting to become a daily thing. The posting in the blog I mean.

I had a bout of depression which was either triggered by not feeling well (feverish, headaches, body aches, fatigue - more than usual) or the physical stuff was triggered by the depression. It's so hard to tell.

But it (both the depression and physical stuff) kicked me enough that I ended up deciding not to go to dance class today (that would be the African Haitian one). I know, I know, bad decision. You get up and go do something when depressed. Force yourself, blah blah. I've been told it a million times by therapists (both professionals and friends), by loved ones and I've told a ton of clients myself.

I have noticed there are certain times in the "I don't want to go" thoughts that are actually real. And I have started to learn the difference. The whiny, wah-wah, "cry me a river" as a friend puts it, is the one that I know I have to get my ass up and just go. It's slumpy and grumpy and irritated but ultimately I know if I can get up and out and there, I'll probably (probably) be okay. And usually, I am. Most of the time.

But then there are the times, thankfully rather rare, when I feel the "I don't want to go" and I poke myself, saying, "Get up! Go!" and this crash of overwhelming sadness or anxiety or tears comes over me. I prod more, I get up and put my socks on and it gets worse. If it's the other type, often at least getting to the foyer to put my socks and shoes on creates a lessening in the "I don't want to go". I have found that if I do indeed go in this more entrenched state, I put a nail in the coffin of resentment toward the event. I don't mean suddenly I resent the class or the job or whatever completely but a tiny notch does get etched in. I don't think permanently but long enough to be felt for a while. So I decided to listen and stayed home.

I was so out of it today. I kept putting the wrong stuff in the fridge or the freezer or the pantry. I forgot my card when I went grocery shopping to pick up thick grain mustard for Marty's never-ending supply of vinaigrette that I make for him. So I get through line and have to walk back home and then back to the store to pay and then back home with the groceries again. Sucked having to do it but ultimately at least was a little movement.

But while I was walking, I heard a song that made sense. As always, I was plugged into my iPod and listening to, as I have most of the time lately, my recently purchased playlist. Through So You Think You Can Dance, I've developed a taste for hip-hop, the dance and the music. You got me, I've never really been oriented towards it until now. Recently I downloaded a couple of albums of the Black Eyed Peas and this song came up during my walk:

Third Eye - Black Eyed Peas

You was fooling me once before
But I tell you there's no fooling me twice no more
'Cuz when I open up my third eye, my third eye
You can't get away wit' murder, wit' murder.
You was fooling me once before
But I tell you there's no fooling me twice no more,
So stop your opression, opression,
Check it out I got a question, a question.

If Bush is Pinnochio, Pinnochio,
Who the Hell is Gepetto, Gepetto?
Beware of Gepetto.

'Cuz he got knives and clips and a dagger that's shaped into a crucifix,
And he'll stab your back with it and give it to your brother as a necklace for Christmas
Welcome to the valley of the beast where they sing in harmony, but never speak no peace.
Keepin their eye on the fedia cheddar, things that ain't really for the better,
I could point out their behaviour to keep ya immuned from the poisonous flavour,
But once your caught I can't save ya, they'll manipulate your mind so you enjoy danger.
He can sell sand to Iran, ice to an eskimo, water to a dam,
And these are akin to Uncle Sam, the one that taught him how to scam

He was fooling me once before
But I tell you he aint fooling me twice no more
'Cuz when I open up my third eye, my third eye
He cant get away wit' murder, wit' murder.
Know what i'm saying?

No,no,no,no,no,no
Can't fool me again. no,no,no,oh,no,no
I'm into games you play
I know your game,
No,no,no,no,no,no
Won't fall down again, no,no,no,oh,no,no
Won't trip on games you play,
I know your game.

You could fool me once (no no),
But you can't fool me two times (no no),
'Cuz I got three eyes (yeah yeah),
One look from the left side (yeah yeah),
The other from the right side (yeah yeah),
Got one eye on the inside (yeah yeah),
And I can see you outside (no no),
Plottin' to come in.

La la la la la la la la la la la (you can't fool me)
La la la la la la la la la la la (you cant do me)
La la la la la la la la la la la (you cant run through me)
mmmmmmmmm.......
La la la la la
La la la la la
Sometimes we need to change, to change, to change,
Leave the past behind,
Leave the past behind or shall we.............look into the future?
Look ahead,
That's right.

I know this is a political song (which quite a few of their songs are) but I suddenly saw this as relating to my Demons (Anxiety, Depression, Frustration, Fear). Just replace Bush and Gepetto with Heather's Demons. Made a whole lot of sense to me. It was how I was feeling, under assault by them with hardly anyway to "See" what was going on. But then also realizing that I too have a Third Eye. I can see them, sometimes. But sometimes I feel like I don't know where my own Gepetto is in order to get them under control. Or make friends. Or something.

This is what I had up originally because I wasn't able to find the song online, but I kept this up anyway:

Unfortunately this was the only video of the song I found on youtube.com with the song in the background while an extremely depressed looking young girl sings along. But at least you can get the flavor of the song if you can get past her singing.

Facebook and Futures

February 3, 2009

Marty came home and started talking about getting a random Facebook friend request today. And he vaguely remembered signing up for an account long ago but never used it. But he talked about exploring Facebook and then strangely enough I got a friend request late from someone I used to work with at the Appalachian State University library when I attended there, maybe over 15 years ago. I had signed up for Facebook long time ago as well. So I got on Facebook as well.

Wow, this is some crazy shit. It's a bit addictive I have to say.

You know, you get strange realizations in strange places. I was going to the bathroom and I have this clear decision. I want to do something in ecology/biology and would be okay with whatever for a job for the time being. I felt settled and good.

The only other time I had this feeling was when I decided to quit the whole psychology thing years ago, when I left New Perspectives (then I got "talked" back into "finishing").

Hmm, I didn't follow that True Feeling I had and I wasted a couple of years. What do I do about this?

Of course, right afterward, the anxiety kicks in. Is it real? Well, I'm going to check it out, do some volunteer work. Not sure if I totally trust these feelings anymore, especially in this situation (being desperate for anything else than going back into mental health).

The Walk

February 2, 2009

I was really struggling with my resistances in therapy today. Arggg. I was just feeling stuck and stubborn and avoidant.

As I was walking home, this song came and I felt miserably inline with it. Although for me it was not about relationship with an other but with my self and my life.

And I recognize that I have a habit of pushing my crap out onto the external, blaming external forces.

If I had a plan originally, this whole career switcher is definitely not what I planned.

Arggg, but taking responsibility sucks. I don't wanna grow up.

The Walk - Imogen Heap

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to meet.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
On the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.

No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.

Freeze, awake here forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

Not the official video.



Sigh.

Sidewalk Wisdom

February 1, 2009

I was out shopping (Feb. 1) and came across chalked on the sidewalk "Ain't no thang but a tofu wing." Some strange declaration by a crazed vegetarian?

And then further down the way, a pile of dog poo on the sidewalk, circled several times with the same hot pink chalk and an arrow proclaiming "POO".

Ahh, you gotta love spontaneity by crazed vegetarians.

Maybe it's the lack of meat that twists their brains in such a fashion.

*Ducks whatever is hurled in her direction by her husband*

Conversations With a Biology Director

January 26 - 31, 2009

This week I was struggling to figure if I was going to go talk to the director of the Center for Habitat Restoration run by CCSF and who is also a biology/ecology teacher at CCSF.

Yes, I get all anxious even about this sort of stuff. So I decided to draw a Soul Card, cards done in the touch drawing style. I really enjoyed the method when I took classes at CIIS for the expressive arts part of my degree. The cards are like Tarot cards or Animal Medicine cards but without a little booklet of interpretations. The interpretations are up to you, which I like better than set definitions. So, I basically asked "Should I go tomorrow to talk to the director?" and this is what I drew.

So it was kind of like "Okay, okay, I get it, I'll go." At least that's how I see it. Being given a flower, a seed of information, possibilities.

The next day I had trouble getting up and didn't want to go but I told myself to honor the card I drew and get my damn ass out of bed. And I did.

So I went to have a little "interview" after the night before collecting questions to ask at the meeting from my mother and father. Marty was out of town most of the week at a meditation retreat so I couldn't ask him. But I went in fairly well "armed".

She was very nice and very helpful, giving me some good information and some ideas. She said that it was her experience that to get into this field you just really needed connections and experience. I have my doubts on this because it seems that looking at job postings in this area, degrees in environmental science are required. But at least volunteering in the arena will give me some idea if I want to do this before committing to more education.

On the job front, it has been very frustrating. There are a lot of job postings out there, a really great number of scams, lots of director positions and most of the other jobs posted I have no experience in so it's starting to look like I need to go back into mental health. Blearg.

The Year Ahead

January 26, 2009

I have a bunch of things today so I'll separate them all.

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This is from Yahoo!'s Astrology page.

I know, I know, Pop Astrology sucks and is no where near what true Astrology can provide but dang, this is almost laughably accurate.

Year 2009 Overview

Pioneering and courageous Aries is being called to times of incredible new growth and renewal. The considerable reflective time you have spent rehashing and deciding which avenue will best serve your highest purpose has shaken you to the very root of your personal belief systems. Through surrendering to your higher self, new realizations and golden opportunities you never thought possible are brilliantly opening up for you.

Your new commitment to self has given you a renewed appreciation of the your divine wisdom and accomplishments. The understanding you have radiates love and compassion, and is attracting your highest good. As your creative spirit soars, the excitement you feel helps you submit to the larger purpose and vision gained in your dreamtime. You are easily able to bring your work out into the world with clarity and purpose. Your heart's desires are quickly manifesting right before your eyes and you are able to reap long-standing benefits as you detach from the past and are catapulted forward.

Because of your humanitarian ideals and desire to be a helper in our emerging world, be careful not to fall into old patterns of helping others fulfill their needs rather than taking care of your own. As you grow, people are drawn to your altruistic ideas and your visionary and compassionate personality.

In spite of your good endurance and concentration, remember to take care of yourself on an everyday basis to maintain wholeness and integration. Finding a good physical outlet for your frustrations is important so that you don't deplete your energy and prevent yourself from getting what you really want. Enjoyment is the fundamental desire of your life, and you are able to create the life you enjoy.

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I'm sort of in a soft melancholy mood today. "Soft" means this is a more positive mood than true melancholy. I'm listening to "The Lord is My Sheppard" by Bobby McFerrin right. Gieve chose this song as our launching song leaving SF to Burning Man and it had both of us in tears. When I was up late last night, well literally up all night, I emailed him to ask him what the song was and he emailed me not only the name but the actual file of the song as well. I think I've listened to it about 20 times today, nearly in tears each time. It's uplifting and opening in ways that I don't often feel but have before, in bits and pieces.

The Lord Is My Shepherd - Bobby McFerrin

The Lord is my shepherd, I have all I need.
She makes me lie down in green meadows, beside the still waters she will lead.
She restores my soul, she rights my wrongs.
She leads me in a path of good things and fills my heart with songs.
Even though I walk through a dark and dreary land,
There is nothing that can shake me. She has said she won’t forsake me, I'm in her hand.
She sets a table before me in the presence of my foes.
She anoints my head with oil and my cup overflows.

Surely, surely, goodness and kindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in her house forever, forever and ever.
Glory be to our Mother and Daughter and to the Holy of Holies.
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end.
Amen.

This is really worth a listen, so please do.



For the same song but richer sound quality, which this song really deserves, and I couldn't figure out how to embed this one into the page since it needed an extra code attached.

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Interesting site. You enter your birthday to find out who you "were" in a past life. I'm sure people get the same messages, randomly generated although the same message for each date entered. But here was mine. Sigh. I keep running into these messages.

Your past life diagnosis:

---

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Central India around the year 850. Your profession was that of a map maker, astrologer, astronomer.

---

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated. Sometimes your environment considered you strange.

---

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your main task is to make the world more beautiful. Physical and spiritual deserts are just waiting for your touch. Keep smiling!

---

Do you remember now?

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I've started listening to these CDs that my mom gave me for Christmas. It's a set of audio CDs called The Ultimate Anti-Career Guide by Rick Jarrow who is some guy who does career counseling through the Chakra and Jungian systems. The Subtitle is "The Inner Path to Finding Your Work in the World". His introduction starts with a quote about work from Martha Graham that goes as such:

Martha Graham wrote in a letter to Agnes De Mille:

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all Time, this expression is unique.

And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine: how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.

You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open … no artist is pleased…there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

It's an interesting way to look at work. That it's really not "yours" but channeled through you. I liked the part about: "And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it." This implies to me that even though work isn't really "mine", I still affect how it is put out into the world for the world to have. That it is only unique because of me. Math channeled through someone else would be different than channeled through me (damn right since I need a calculator to even just Add). Marine Biology would be different, Mental Health would be different, etc. Not just because people are inherently different biologically but experientially as well. Like Environmental Science channeled through someone who has a Master's Degree in Psychology, what form would that take? Marty said I should get into an Integral version of Environmental Studies. By Integral I mean Ken Wilber's Integral philosophy, which I am not as familiar with it as Marty (who would have Ken Wilber's baby) but the ideas intrigue me.

I think it's a constant building in life, layer after layer, learning and experience woven together in a creative fashion. Now it's just the path I need to find and create...

Nooby

January 25, 2009

I got a phone message today from a former co-worker who still works at EH.

As soon as I saw who had called on the call history list, I braced myself before actually listening to the message. I knew what was coming.

Nooby died this morning at Eucalyptus House. Apparently it was a peaceful stepping out of this world to the next. In true Nooby fashion, he indicated to Christian that he wanted to be held and then gently slipped away. Nooby was not the type to slink off somewhere to die, he was too much of a love pig. He just loved people, more than any cat I've ever met. I was very attached to him.

Me with Nooby, butting heads (taken by a resident at the time with my phone cam, her hands shook a lot so the shot came out blurry but I kind of like it). Nooby as a pretzel, he often slept like this. Nooby revealed under my blanket after spending the night with me in my work bed (which was often a little annoying because he'd get up and ask to leave the office or bang on the blinds with his paw in the middle of the night). A profile portrait of Nooby.
























You can read previous posts about him:

Introducing Nooby!
Nooby Gets Worms!
Nooby Love





Dunno what that means for me. Once COC took over, I always used to say that I would leave EH when Nooby died, only I ended up leaving before he did (by almost 4 months, not long). Now that he's gone, how do I let go of EH, since that bitch still rattles around in my psyche in a most unpleasant fashion.

Bon voyage to Nooby, may his journey into the Great Kitty Beyond be a good one. May he have a nice, cushy bed to sit and be able to look out and survey his domain. May he be loved in continual ways as much as he wants. And may he he remain as a good influence in the hearts of those who loved him, workers and residents alike.

Maybe I'll start harrassing Marty for a kitty.....

Job Scams

January 21 - 24, 2009

Dances classes - starting to dance in African-Haitian and we did a tiny routine in Hip-Hop, very small and simple, even my choreographed challenged brain could follow.

I made some of my first efforts to find a job and both were scams. This is stupid. What a crock. First the money/check/Western Union fraud and then the rental scams, now the job markets are flooded with them.

In the career arena, I seem to be starting to lean towards conservation and environmental studies/science. You know, slopping around in the mud restoring habitats and monitoring wildlife and such. We'll see; I don't want to go freak out and obsess about it.

I hate reading these articles online about how Obama is "unlucky" or some shit. I know people are just trying to make things bad to feel comfortable, but it sucks. Especially when these stupid articles are placed on mainstream and popular sites like Yahoo.

Went to see Underworld: Rise of the Lycans with Gieve and Marty. It was okay. Then I went and watched the first two when we got home.