The New Person

At work, now that Emily has gone on to CIIS, we hired too quickly a new person. I wasn't in on the interview as it happened while I was at ISE2, I guess.

At first we didn't think she was going to show up. And I'd already heard things about her that had my poor brain spinning and thinking she was going to be a larger than life, mean Latina woman with a thick accent. The accent part was mostly what everyone was talking about.

But when she did show up, she was tiny! I mean small. But I couldn't understand but about 1 out of 10 words she was saying because she speaks very fast, very low and has an extremely thick accent. I think I sat there staring at her, sort of openmouthed. Okay, now what? I really don't understand when she talks, how am I going to work with that. I don't know if the clients are going to be able to understand her or other providers calling in.

Ahh, well, the saga continues. We shall see.

4 Adults, 2 Kids, 3 Parrots and a Heart Wide Open

This morning was visitation to our place by Robin, James, Benjamin, Ariana. We usually (or at least Marty does) go over to their place for a Sunday morning breakfast. This was early however, around 8:30 am and I think I was still half asleep.

Usually Marty and James do the cooking of the foul tofu stir-fry they make each time. Marty does the stir-fry, James does the spicing. It's not foul in of itself. The veggies are always good and the spicing is always good (minus the raisins someone keeps insisting on putting into it, yuck) but rather the gelatinous foul substance of soybean curd. I stopped eating any soy a few years back mostly because I started noticing that I didn't feel well after eating it and some because of reading about the phytoestrogens and what not. So, I sort of pick at the breakfast stir-fry and get the veggies and leave the tofu (and raisins).

I did attempt to make some Turkish coffee with the little ibrik set Marty got me for Christmas. A few things learned from that particular session.... need much finer grind of coffee, it has to be powder and probably needs to sit a little longer to get nice and thick and syrupy. But it worked for the most part to be at least some semblance of coffee.

Then playing with the kids, gentle rough and tumble with Benjamin. You have to be on it to play that way with him, always alert and ready to contain him. He has a tendency to grab your face with his fingers really hard or bite or fling himself whole-bodily on top of you. So I'm always watching, gently grabbing hands before they get to my face, etc. Although at Christmas, after some rough and tumble, I was laying on the floor and he was off with mom, I had my eyes closed and suddenly, wham! he came flying over my knees to land with his, right on my abdomen. I wasn't ready for it but I wasn't mad either, but whew it knocked the breath right out of me.

But this time was just usual tumble and then Ariana decided to join in and we did a fun game of her laying back on my legs, me doing a criss-cross with her legs like a dancer and then rolling her off to the floor. She loved it and started saying "Ready!?" before the move of falling back onto my legs for her yoga moves. Then of course Benjamin wanted in and I could be a little more sudden in my dumping to the floor move which he just howled and giggled about and then they were taking turns. In a way, I love being a furniture game object to kids.

Then everyone left. I guess I had been getting used to people swarming the house so early on MY Sunday morning and then, poof, they left and then Marty was headed out to work.

It was quite strange as I was standing a bit forlornly in the foyer as Marty was gathering his things up to leave and I felt so madly in love/loving towards that I was a bit lost. A heart wide open and he was leaving. Then fear of him dying on the road or something and being in this space... seemed as if I would die. So I made him renew his promise to "never die", per the movie "Team America". And sat, further forlorn, at the top of the stairs, watching him head out for his work.

He got there just fine, but I could see why I don't open up into that space so often. To lose in that space, would be so far more horrendous than not. Too much. And there seems to be something about that feeling that just burns you up, soft and luscious, but like fire from inside out.

I don't wanna and I do wanna.

A Day With Dganit

It's a funny thing that we really only see our home city (I mean where you live now, not where you were born), when guests come around. Then it's the carting about to the tourist areas that you really never see excepting those times, which are maybe once every couple of years. Here it's Pier 39 with the Sea Lions, the Golden Gate Bridge, Transamerica building, probably all the sort of separate neighborhoods like the Castro (gay viewing is the bomb, right? Or at least so it seems to be for the tourists), or Japantown, etc. I guess the Pacific Ocean is a big draw. I guess I find myself at a loss, since although I know San Francisco is a tourist spot, I'm not really sure what people come to see. I mean, San Fran should be enough on its own, right?

But we went over to Richmond to pick up Dganit, our beloved Israeli friend from ISE2, and run around San Francisco. Although after touring Pier 39, our usual hub of touristy pursuance, complete with the few Sea Lions that apparently didn't take off for Oregon. I got a pearl. I wanted a funnel cake but didn't get any, which made me sad. But I'll do with my pearl.

Then it was off to Nirvana, natch, for dinner. One of our favorite places to eat in SF. Then to Hot Cookie, a very tasty cookie hole-in-the-wall joint up the street from Nirvana. Because there better be cookies in Nirvana, damnit. At least in my world.

And after that, back to our house to chat for a bit. So, some big tour of San Francisco, right? But I guess we are all the types that don't really want to run around looking at things when we could be sitting and talking. So that's what we did.

Then Dganit desired a burrito so we stopped at L'Avenida on the way back to drop her in Richmond. Her first burrito ever. Which, for some reason, I found a bit funny. I mean, to me, they seem very common, but I suppose not so much in Israel? Although from how she described Tel Aviv, it seemed they should have Mexican food?

Then goodbye to our new friend. I'm not very good at long distance types of contact so I was sad to see her go, knowing I probably won't get to see her again until next year if she's even able to come out to ISE 3. Le Sigh.

True Grit

Saw True Grit, remake, by the Cohen Brothers.

Now, I've not really seen many of their movies, maybe one or two? I found this one quite well-crafted, but as Marty said, a little soulless. At the end going, "Erm, so, what was the point?" Now, I understand movies are just like that. They hit, they miss. They are good popcorn movies, they are crap. Ultimately, you want hits often as a producer, director, of course, but hey, crap happens.

I'm VERY forgiving of movies. I mean REALLY REALLY forgiving. So, if I think something is crap, it really really is crap. And if I say, "Meh, it was okay.", Marty definitely won't go to see it. But even so, I try to see at least SOMETHING good in every film. I figure if someone was going to put what they probably thought was a lot of effort and care (not to mention, a real fucking lot of money) into a movie, I can at least find SOMETHING there. Sometimes, for me, that can make the entire thing for me. I remember I saw Pitch Black and X-Men four times in the theater because there was just "something" about the characters of Riddick and Wolverine that engaged me. The movies could have been utter crap, but I would have loved them. So, very forgiving, I tell you! Of course, I saw Avatar four times, three in IMAX 3-D, so I do go see the extremely good ones too, over and over as well (besides, Sam Worthington is SOOOO DREAMY!!!)

So, True Grit, good movie in the sense of beautiful artistry, good cinematography, very good acting. And that was the SOMETHING in the movie that I liked. But it was just missing some bit of... feeling, depth.

Marty was spitting vitriol afterwards. Apparently he hates the Cohen Brothers with a passion beyond mere hatred. I mean, highly loathes them. And apparently doesn't quite get it through his head that it's going to be bad. He's like "Let's see True Grit!!" and I'm like "Uhm, it's the Cohen Brothers.", "No, no, no, it'll be okay this time." Uh-huh. And thus, he hates it. We hates the Brothers, yes, we hates them!!! So, this one as well, apparently!

Ah well.

The Existential Work Crisis. Again.

I practically had a break-down about work today. It was Emily's last day, which is not why I had the break-down, although the known is quite comfortable, of course. She wasn't invited to stay on as relief due to whatever stupid issues my bosses have with her or people in general. It just brought to heart that really, no one is respected or really, even safe. So, if I leave, will I even be considered for relief (should I even care to work for them).

I guess I just realize that it's a sort of soul crushing thing. Not I haven't said this before. Well, I guess I haven't really said that before. Not Soul Crushing, in any case. Horrible, but not an existential thingie. Well, okay, maybe I have. But this feels different. Deeper.

Coming home I wanted Marty to leave Hawthorne House, which had me previously freaking out, but now I was like, "Do it now!!" And so he could get up (in level) so to speak in his practice and I could quit my job. Get a cheap job pulling weeds or some such. Just get out of this soul sucking job and field. I'm so completely, totally done with the whole thing.

Of course, I'll probably be here a while.

The First Day

So, first day of work, back after the conference.

It wasn't so bad, busy as usual. Licensing forced us to take back a client that apparently was discharged while I was gone, we're taking a pretty wounded client with lots of molestation trauma and behaviors and fantasies of raping women... yeah, so he's moving in tomorrow. Whatever.

I came home after this day to find the internet down.

Now, I'm serious that this is a huge thing. I mean, I felt like I was floating out on some crazy, hidden, lost mysterious island. Wait, this is starting to feel familiar. In any case, I was desperate. I mean, I was planning on some hard core WoWing when I got home. You know, important stuff. But seriously, I did notice how struck dumb I felt by the experience, as if I was paralyzed. What will I do without the Internet?! I can't blog (I could have opened up an editor... but, no). I remember once when our modem went out and I was running around howling that I couldn't look up the number for Best Buy so I could go buy another. Never mind that I used to LOOK SHIT UP IN THE PHONEBOOK ALL THE TIME when I was younger. Finally I had to /facepalm myself and got the phonebook out to call them. But you see how the Internet has taken over control of my brain.

So I messed with it for hours. You know how that shit goes. You poke and prod, and finally call the support line to be looped about for hours in that process. Yeah. But finally, after hours, learned that there's an outage in SF, they're working on it, no idea of when it'll be back up. Intermittent at best. So, no WoW, which made me a bit mad, but I did clean my room, well, my desk, which started from me replacing the Ethernet on the modem to test that, and then I started reorganizing plugs and then that led to dusting and reorganizing desk space and what not. So I didn't get a lot done and really parts are messier than when I started. But some are much cleaner than when I started, so I guess you got the messy with the good. Or something.

Met with Marc over the phone. We talked about the "Why Me?" question and I think he basically had a stern talk with me about "No more of that." Okay. I can try to fly with that. Gahhh!! But dang hard. Sigh.

The Last Day

Work tomorrow.

That should be enough said, don't you think? I know, I know, I shouldn't be all hatching eggs and shit before it actually happens. But, well.... GAH.

I spent most of the day futzing about at the computer and didn't really get much stuff done. I think I mostly watched the clock.

Goals:

Having a hard time keeping up with the entries. Cleaned my room a little bit. Decided to try picking something up every time I leave and enter the room and doing something with it. Probably will end up being every time I leave. Ate like crap today but drank water. No exercise. Not much on the ILP front.

Body - No exercise, too much ice cream, but did drink water.

Mind - Nothing really on this front other than trying to contain and observe my work anxiety.

Spirit - Nothing on this end.

Shadow - Trying to challenge my future tripping about work.

Home Again, Jiggidy Jig

Well. We're home again. Seems a little bit empty without all the bustle and constant schedule of the conference. But Marty and I started up our practices (on the first of the year even) so bits persist beyond that container.

But quickly does the possibility of doldrums set in. Although I know I want to take over the world, or perhaps assists the Intregralists to take over the world, it's still a bit galling to have to go back to my very stupid job.

Don't want to go back. Don't want to go..... feels deadening............

The Mad Happy Dance Party

Today was the last day of the conference and I was both hopeful and sad. I hate endings.

We got up for breakfast and then to listen to Dr. Marc speak with Ken Wilber, in a sort of "interview". It was basic theory stuff, but some fun personal stuff about him as well. He does tend to go on and Marc was receiving many notes to "interrupt him" from taskmaster Dianne Hamilton much to the amusement of the audience. But I'm glad Marc let Wilber go on because it gave me a better idea of why people love the man so much. What's in it for me, you ask? Being part of Wilber 6.0, the next version of the Integral theory which belongs now to the community, as it unfolds and morphs and shifts Integral in order to take over the world! Well, at least that's what I'd like to do with it. How do we create a world seen through AQAL/Integral, which is, starting to be, in my eyes, the way to go. As with everything, of course there will be issues, but this model is NOT about Wilber. It may have started that way but it really has spread amongst the community and is continually morphing and redesigning and changing, evolving shall we say but so far, it seems to be going in the proper direction, towards better understanding of being able to see the world and spirituality in a different way.

After that, lunch I think. Then back for more talking. We were asked to think of three things in the conference that echoed the three "stations" of Love that we had been talking about: Falling in Love, Separation, Integration. For the first, Falling In Love, I chose sitting with Arjuna and Chameli, Stuart Davis; the second, Separation, my taking the afternoon off to go sit in the room by myself, and three, Integration, I thought of all the dancing parties, of everyone grooving and moving together with a similar purpose.

Then Marc got up and talked about love and atoms and all that again but as he was talking, used my phrase of The Mad Happy Dance Party, my term for the shimmering undulating loveness of atoms all jiving together in mad, happy love, and my allusion to the Matrix dance party in Zion. The song from that I think perfectly describes that whole thing. I was both wanting some acknowledgement (Hey, a student said to me) and at the time time, I was in the space, of (Hey, now it belongs to everyone!) and feeling pretty good about that.

Then a sort of Bhodisatva vow, in which I accidentally hit a button of Marty's, he got upset, then I got upset and all my demons rushed out and I was crying and crying while everyone is singing the last chant and jumping about because I thought I'd ruined the whole thing. Not the whole conference but the whole conference for Marty. But he was patting my back and some woman sitting next to me was patting my back but that just all made me cry harder because the ending stuff was kicking in and I was really sad to leave. Always building up community and then moving on. Story of my life.

But we found Dganit, our new Israeli friend before we left and spent hours talking to her in the community lodge. We met Dganit at Friday night dinner when we decided we wanted to sit with some folks "our own age". We perused the room until we saw a young-ish woman sitting alone at a table with her head buried in a journal, scribbling away. Hmmm, younger, nose in a book, probably up, at least my alley. So we sat, Marty went off to get food and somehow she and I struck up conversation, can't even remember what was said to "break the silence" but suddenly off we went. And then Marty got back and it was just even more raucous. Instant love. Awesome!

Also, Rae, our spicy Cuban friend we got along with so well in Egypt, was there as well, and it was very awesome to see. So, considering how much I desire present and interactive community (yeah... sigh, I really do. But I still need my space!!), it was extremely hard to leave the conference. But off we went to home, having lingered to chat and it was all dark. Heading back to the big ol' city.

*Photo found here. (By the way, for some reason I thought this picture was complimentary, pointing to the fact that Wilber is so smart, but Marty points out that it is not a flattering portrayal. I guess I still need to work my Wilber Love, although I really, truly thought it was a good thing!).

A New Year, Again

So, another New Year! Well, in terms of time passing again and again, January First is just a human thing. So, another revolution of the planet around the Sun.

So here I am. At the Integral Spiritual Experience 2, The Future of Love. It would take a long time to explain. Basically there's this guy named Ken Wilber. Some of you may have at least heard of him, a few of you might actually know his works, and I bet a lot have no clue who he is. In short, he's a philosopher who read A LOT and wrote A LOT. And tried to put it all together into a model called Integral or AQAL (All Quadrants, All Levels), which tries to look at all this stuff through a multi-perspectival fashion.

There was a conference last year, apparently there are five total planned. Last year the topic was Unique Self. Marty went, since he wants to have Ken Wilber's baby, and has been getting into Integral far more than I. But as things go, especially with couples as they tend to merge into each other's interests and what not, I started learning about Integral and still, to some degree, eschewing Wilber (Bald Headed Narcissist Fuck, which is what I called him, but I want very much to point out that this was Marty's phrase to interpret my feelings. And let it also be known that I never, ever had an issue with the theory, but with the image.), and mostly learning all this in order to defend myself as Marty would say "You're being so Purple, or Green, or whatever" out of his new knowledge. Mind you, this has been a couple of years in the making but the most prevalent lately (his interest, I mean). So of course I had to learn what "Green and Purple" and all that meant.

And because it's a valid model and all that, I started to get into it as well. I'm a total baby when it comes to the whole thing, barely know the theory, just the basics of the quadrants and the levels. But I'm getting the gist, and have a project to work on for the year to help me learn it in a better fashion. But when Marty invited me nine months ago to go to this year's (well 2010) ISE 2 conference, I said, well, hell, why not. So off we went, with great anticipation at the end of the year.

And it's been great thus far. Primarily led by my Teacher Marc Gafni and others who co-founded iEvolve and IntegralLife, outbreaks of Integral Naked, it was all about love. And getting up early and very long days and lots of workshops. Today I opted out of the 2:30pm and 5:00 pm ones, I was just so tired and a bit overwhelmed. And I react strongly to transitions, so I was probably feeling the impending end of the whole thing the next day. So I stayed in the room and poked around on the internet for a bit, snoozing, contemplating the ceiling.

Tonight was a dance party to celebrate New Years and just to celebrate in general. It was fun, to dance and jump around, like with Wah!, a Kirtan performer from last night. I miss that wild dancing, the jumping and flapping about, looking around and seeing others all together moving and dancing with purpose. My favorite!

So, in any case, New Years. As per my usual, I have my New Years Goals, since I set a resolution a long, long time ago, that I have only broken, I think once, that I would never again set New Years Resolutions. So my Intentions or Goals this year are as such:

• Blog every day.
• Really, truly clean and organize my room. Maybe actually get rid of some stuff.
• Better my health by exercise and healthier eating.
• Follow an ILP (Integral Life Practice) every day.

So first off, blogging here again today! I'm not at home to clean but I have some ideas of how to start, like starting the corner of the room like my mom always said to do, and label my filing cabinet. Exercise, well, that was the dance party!!

And ILP, which I set up today. It's not specific, as I get into the more, maybe will delineate it more.

• Body - Exercise, drink water, eat better.
• Mind - Learn AQAL theory, read, participate in classes.
• Spirit - Practice couple exercises with Marty.
• Shadow - Be less squirrelly, challenge fear.

Today, I danced and was fed the fine food at Asilomar (endless salad bowls!!). I went to several workshops and talks. I did my first Here-Nowing exercise with Marty. I took care of myself by staying in the room for a couple of hours.

So, that's my new set up for the New Year. We'll see how these goals hold.

Happy New Year, everyone!!!

The Last of an Unwritten Year

Dec 31, 2010

Well, I've really written nothing in my blog this year, have I. Really went by the way side. However, I've decided to do the One A Day thing again.

Seems important since I don't really keep a journal anymore either and going back and reading them has been an important thing. But now there are years I am missing and my memory was never very good to begin with before age!!

But picking it up again seems important given the changes and things going on in my life, for example, currently at the ISE 2, The Future of Love, Integral!

Crawdad

I was out with the clients from Robertson Place for our daily walk and I usually like to take them up and around Stowe Lake in Golden Gate Park.

We were on the trail around the backside of the lake, almost to the falls on Strawberry Hill when I noticed something on the ground. I've always been able to pick out living things or moving things out of the corner of my eye. I don't know if it's energetic or just a visual/physical eye thing but in any case, I often get to see stuff that a lot of people don't usually see.

And this was one moment where the clients did not see and I had to stop them from walking forwards, as the eye-catching object was right in the middle of the path and was about to be severely trampled.

In the middle of the path was a crawdad. You know, a crayfish. Okay, people, TINY LOBSTER!!

You know what I'm talking about now? He/She/It was just right smack in the middle of the dirt path, unfortunately looking similar to the color of the dirt, but just moving along, slow as you please.

However, as our shadows fell upon it, it reared up and raised its claws to us in a very threatening manner (well, probably in its little nervous brain stem).

I was so impressed by that. This little creature posturing and threatening towards us, hundreds of times its size. It didn't run or shrink down to be unseen but brashly waving its claws up at us.

The clients stopped and watched it, some with amusement, some with apathy, but all with respect. "Wow, he really thinks he can take us on! That's cool!", "He's got some balls!", "Don't wanna cross him!", and were generally very fascinated and curious about this fearsome creature before us.

I maneuvered in behind the crawdad to try and pick him up so we could get "him" off the path. It was a bit difficult as he kept shifting around to face my hand. I'm no dummy, he had some healthy pair of pincers there, and I wasn't going to get pinched in front of my clients. Finally, I was able to grasp him gently by the back tail and we carefully transported him to the falls to leave in the shallows of the rocks.

For us, it was a good experience and the clients were talking about it all the way home. For him, I'm sure he was going "What the hell? I just left here!"

Dead Fish

I was preparing a big slab of salmon, cutting it up into smaller pieces to freeze and just take one out at a time and normally, I'm completely fine with meat or fish but for some reason the fish seemed truly disgusting in that moment.

It was horrible to touch it, I felt sort of horrified. I thanked the fish, something I haven't done in a long time and should pick up again.

Then I was like "Shit! Now what am I going to eat"! Although I suspect it won't last long.

Marty's gonna love this....

EMP

EMP = Electro Magnetic Pulse

A totally random thingie.

But quite a contemplation.