This week I was struggling to figure if I was going to go talk to the director of the Center for Habitat Restoration run by CCSF and who is also a biology/ecology teacher at CCSF.
Yes, I get all anxious even about this sort of stuff. So I decided to draw a Soul Card, cards done in the touch drawing style. I really enjoyed the method when I took classes at CIIS for the expressive arts part of my degree. The cards are like Tarot cards or Animal Medicine cards but without a little booklet of interpretations. The interpretations are up to you, which I like better than set definitions. So, I basically asked "Should I go tomorrow to talk to the director?" and this is what I drew.
So it was kind of like "Okay, okay, I get it, I'll go." At least that's how I see it. Being given a flower, a seed of information, possibilities.
The next day I had trouble getting up and didn't want to go but I told myself to honor the card I drew and get my damn ass out of bed. And I did.
So I went to have a little "interview" after the night before collecting questions to ask at the meeting from my mother and father. Marty was out of town most of the week at a meditation retreat so I couldn't ask him. But I went in fairly well "armed".
She was very nice and very helpful, giving me some good information and some ideas. She said that it was her experience that to get into this field you just really needed connections and experience. I have my doubts on this because it seems that looking at job postings in this area, degrees in environmental science are required. But at least volunteering in the arena will give me some idea if I want to do this before committing to more education.
On the job front, it has been very frustrating. There are a lot of job postings out there, a really great number of scams, lots of director positions and most of the other jobs posted I have no experience in so it's starting to look like I need to go back into mental health. Blearg.
I know, I know, Pop Astrology sucks and is no where near what true Astrology can provide but dang, this is almost laughably accurate.
Year 2009 Overview
Pioneering and courageous Aries is being called to times of incredible new growth and renewal. The considerable reflective time you have spent rehashing and deciding which avenue will best serve your highest purpose has shaken you to the very root of your personal belief systems. Through surrendering to your higher self, new realizations and golden opportunities you never thought possible are brilliantly opening up for you.
Your new commitment to self has given you a renewed appreciation of the your divine wisdom and accomplishments. The understanding you have radiates love and compassion, and is attracting your highest good. As your creative spirit soars, the excitement you feel helps you submit to the larger purpose and vision gained in your dreamtime. You are easily able to bring your work out into the world with clarity and purpose. Your heart's desires are quickly manifesting right before your eyes and you are able to reap long-standing benefits as you detach from the past and are catapulted forward.
Because of your humanitarian ideals and desire to be a helper in our emerging world, be careful not to fall into old patterns of helping others fulfill their needs rather than taking care of your own. As you grow, people are drawn to your altruistic ideas and your visionary and compassionate personality.
In spite of your good endurance and concentration, remember to take care of yourself on an everyday basis to maintain wholeness and integration. Finding a good physical outlet for your frustrations is important so that you don't deplete your energy and prevent yourself from getting what you really want. Enjoyment is the fundamental desire of your life, and you are able to create the life you enjoy.
I'm sort of in a soft melancholy mood today. "Soft" means this is a more positive mood than true melancholy. I'm listening to "The Lord is My Sheppard" by Bobby McFerrin right. Gieve chose this song as our launching song leaving SF to Burning Man and it had both of us in tears. When I was up late last night, well literally up all night, I emailed him to ask him what the song was and he emailed me not only the name but the actual file of the song as well. I think I've listened to it about 20 times today, nearly in tears each time. It's uplifting and opening in ways that I don't often feel but have before, in bits and pieces.
The Lord Is My Shepherd - Bobby McFerrin
The Lord is my shepherd, I have all I need. She makes me lie down in green meadows, beside the still waters she will lead. She restores my soul, she rights my wrongs. She leads me in a path of good things and fills my heart with songs. Even though I walk through a dark and dreary land, There is nothing that can shake me. She has said she won’t forsake me, I'm in her hand. She sets a table before me in the presence of my foes. She anoints my head with oil and my cup overflows.
Surely, surely, goodness and kindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will live in her house forever, forever and ever. Glory be to our Mother and Daughter and to the Holy of Holies. As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
This is really worth a listen, so please do.
For the same song but richer sound quality, which this song really deserves, and I couldn't figure out how to embed this one into the page since it needed an extra code attached.
Interesting site. You enter your birthday to find out who you "were" in a past life. I'm sure people get the same messages, randomly generated although the same message for each date entered. But here was mine. Sigh. I keep running into these messages.
Your past life diagnosis: I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Central India around the year 850. Your profession was that of a map maker, astrologer, astronomer. Your brief psychological profile in your past life: Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated. Sometimes your environment considered you strange. The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation: Your main task is to make the world more beautiful. Physical and spiritual deserts are just waiting for your touch. Keep smiling! Do you remember now?
I've started listening to these CDs that my mom gave me for Christmas. It's a set of audio CDs called The Ultimate Anti-Career Guide by Rick Jarrow who is some guy who does career counseling through the Chakra and Jungian systems. The Subtitle is "The Inner Path to Finding Your Work in the World". His introduction starts with a quote about work from Martha Graham that goes as such:
Martha Graham wrote in a letter to Agnes De Mille:
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all Time, this expression is unique.
And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine: how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open … no artist is pleased…there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
It's an interesting way to look at work. That it's really not "yours" but channeled through you. I liked the part about: "And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it." This implies to me that even though work isn't really "mine", I still affect how it is put out into the world for the world to have. That it is only unique because of me. Math channeled through someone else would be different than channeled through me (damn right since I need a calculator to even just Add). Marine Biology would be different, Mental Health would be different, etc. Not just because people are inherently different biologically but experientially as well. Like Environmental Science channeled through someone who has a Master's Degree in Psychology, what form would that take? Marty said I should get into an Integral version of Environmental Studies. By Integral I mean Ken Wilber's Integral philosophy, which I am not as familiar with it as Marty (who would have Ken Wilber's baby) but the ideas intrigue me.
I think it's a constant building in life, layer after layer, learning and experience woven together in a creative fashion. Now it's just the path I need to find and create...
I got a phone message today from a former co-worker who still works at EH.
As soon as I saw who had called on the call history list, I braced myself before actually listening to the message. I knew what was coming.
Nooby died this morning at Eucalyptus House. Apparently it was a peaceful stepping out of this world to the next. In true Nooby fashion, he indicated to Christian that he wanted to be held and then gently slipped away. Nooby was not the type to slink off somewhere to die, he was too much of a love pig. He just loved people, more than any cat I've ever met. I was very attached to him.
Me with Nooby, butting heads (taken by a resident at the time with my phone cam, her hands shook a lot so the shot came out blurry but I kind of like it). Nooby as a pretzel, he often slept like this. Nooby revealed under my blanket after spending the night with me in my work bed (which was often a little annoying because he'd get up and ask to leave the office or bang on the blinds with his paw in the middle of the night). A profile portrait of Nooby.
Dunno what that means for me. Once COC took over, I always used to say that I would leave EH when Nooby died, only I ended up leaving before he did (by almost 4 months, not long). Now that he's gone, how do I let go of EH, since that bitch still rattles around in my psyche in a most unpleasant fashion.
Bon voyage to Nooby, may his journey into the Great Kitty Beyond be a good one. May he have a nice, cushy bed to sit and be able to look out and survey his domain. May he be loved in continual ways as much as he wants. And may he he remain as a good influence in the hearts of those who loved him, workers and residents alike.
Maybe I'll start harrassing Marty for a kitty.....
Dances classes - starting to dance in African-Haitian and we did a tiny routine in Hip-Hop, very small and simple, even my choreographed challenged brain could follow.
I made some of my first efforts to find a job and both were scams. This is stupid. What a crock. First the money/check/Western Union fraud and then the rental scams, now the job markets are flooded with them.
In the career arena, I seem to be starting to lean towards conservation and environmental studies/science. You know, slopping around in the mud restoring habitats and monitoring wildlife and such. We'll see; I don't want to go freak out and obsess about it.
I hate reading these articles online about how Obama is "unlucky" or some shit. I know people are just trying to make things bad to feel comfortable, but it sucks. Especially when these stupid articles are placed on mainstream and popular sites like Yahoo.
Went to see Underworld: Rise of the Lycans with Gieve and Marty. It was okay. Then I went and watched the first two when we got home.
Today is the inauguration of the new United States President Barack Obama.
Marty and I watched the main event together. He got me up with a Mocha since it started up at 7am our time and the world knows I am not a morning person. I had basically told him that my nice husband would be bringing me my mocha in the morning. I was already awake at that point when he came in with it and I put my hand out from under the covers and he just put the coffee cup in it. Now if all mornings were like that...
We started watching about 8am (11am EST), when all the folks were coming out of the Capital building in order to sit down, the past presidents and such. It definitely looked cold over there. We've been having strange, warm weather over here but I vaguely remember what it felt like in that cold, I used to live near DC.
We watched everything from that point on for about an hour. When he came out, I admit the swelling of excitement, the hope rising within. And I bit my nails in fear of the cracking sound of a sniper rifle wiping out the slowing awakening nation's hope and anticipation of a changing-for-the-better future. But it didn't happen, much to my relief. Security was so tight a mouse couldn't have farted without six special agents bearing down upon it with guns.
I'm still a bit paranoid about it for the next four to eight years but overall, I think this will be the tightest security for any president in the history of the nation.
I'm very curious to see what happens now. What's he going to do first, what happens short term, medium and long term.
Is it indeed heading towards a sort of brand new world?
I wanted to start taking dance classes but by the time I asked the dance certificate director at CCSF my registration time had passed and the classes had filled and closed.
But I decided to show up in any case to see if I could Add the classes. I emailed the instructors of each class to see if I had a chance and they both suggested I come down and try for it. So I did.
And it looks like I got both when I went.
The first class for Beginning African-Haitian Dance was all talking. The teacher seems pretty serious about the class, requiring a small paper (4-6 pages) and a Mandala personal journey project. This is a one credit class. A paper for a one credit class? Errgg. I haven't written a paper in seven years. The instructor is an older African-American woman who has been training and teaching in dance and in this style of dance for decades. And she seems like she wants to really train dancers.
The Beginning Hip-Hop Dance class seems more like a PE class than a serious dance class. The teacher is a short white lady who teaches the ballroom classes as well as this one and states she picked this style up from street kids and has been teaching the class for three semesters. Uhm, okay. We started dancing the first class. At least it's decent warm ups and mostly just fun. Although I had some serious interest in Hip-Hop and really do want to learn the firm basics. But I'll stick with it unless I have to drop for a job.
That is a worry I have, having to drop these classes if I find a job even though I chose the night class times aiming for a day time job. But if I go for mental health again, it is likely I will have evening shifts. Bah.
On a strange note, one of the students in the Hip-Hop classes, a woman who looked slightly familiar even though I couldn't place her, came up to me after the end of class and said that she worked on videos for "a little band called Metallica" and they were looking for someone for a video and asked for my email and number, which I gave, hesitantly. I'm so suspicious these days. But nothing came of it, no contact (and next class, she was not present, although did show up the third class and said the project got droppped).
So I decided to do posts in big time lumps rather than daily. Some might be daily for important events and such.
I started the year off in a pretty deep depression. I'm still in the midst of my career struggles, not knowing what to do with myself and having to look for a job when you don't know what to look for because you don't know what to do is awful. I get so stressed out and then it gets worse. Circular ain't it.
And then my stress levels get high, they spill out and over others and thus I have issues with Marty which causes more stress. Circular ain't it.
I surely have my heart in headlock, stuck in my brain, not my body, nor certainly my heart. Not sure if all the lyrics are correct, some are a little odd.
Headlock - Imgogen Heap
Distant flickerings, It's greener scenery, This weather's bringing it all back again. Great adventures, This isn't in condensation, I'm going outside to take it all in.
Is it too late to start got your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it. Is it too late to start with your heart in a headlock, You know you're better than this.
Wear a different pair, Just something out of stead, Throw a stranger an unexpected smile. With big intention, Still posted at your station, Always on about the day it should have flied.
Is it too late to start got your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it. Is it too late to start with your heart in a headlock, You know you're better than this. (how can you lose?) Afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it. Is it too late to start with your heart in a headlock, You know you're better than this.
You've been walking, You've been hiding, And you look half dead half the time. Monitoring you, like machines do, You've still got it I'm just keeping an eye. (x2)
You know you're better than this
Can't make a start, got your heart in a headlock, but I don't believe any of it. Is it too late to start, with your heart in a headlock, You know you're better than this.
(how can you lose?) Afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it. Is it too late to start, with your heart in a headlock, You know you're better than this.
So here we are, yet again, the inexorable march of the years, over and over. On and on. Bundles of Joy.
Yeah, I sound hopeful about the new year, don't I.
I have my plans, as usual, for the year. I don't do New Year's Resolutions but rather Intents. And my intent is take better care of myself: eat better, drink better (I barely drink enough water), exercise. Find a job I can stand. Figure out a new career pathway.
Mmmm, more Bundles of Joy.
Another thing I've been thinking about is this blog. How do I want to proceed? Blog "every day" again or whenever? Still thinking on that. We'll see.
I had a pounding headache today. My body wasn't in too bad a shape but the head... good lords, ouch.
After some Vicodin, I started pounding with a hammer to make the wooden storage boxes I got at Ikea for my jewelry stuff. Then I was moving more shit around in my room. All of this was made much more easily done while talking to William. Not the bird; but my longest, oldest friend. Not old as in age. Meaning, known the longest. We've known each other since I was 13 or so.
Then I was setting up intentions for the New Year. As usual, it has to do with health and taking care of myself, losing weight, etc. Huge plans, blah blah.
Another thought I was having is do I write or not write every day in this blog like I did this past year....
I went running around Ikea looking for bookshelves. The top floor wasn't too bad in way of the nasty smell but then I guess toxins must sink because the downstairs was awful. I could practically feel it sinking into my pores.
The stuff was too heavy and I needed help getting it off the shelf and into the car. I had to break the stuff down in the car in order to carry it up into the house. It took lots of trips to get it all up into the house. Damn stairs.
I'm going to hurt tomorrow but I just kept going, too stubborn to stop, continuing on to build one of the shelves even after all those trips and such. The room is a mess but... after this whole project is done, it should be clean for the first time in a very, very long time. I mean years.
Marty, his parents and I all went running around looking at beading stores, eating and hanging out.
Then we watched Nerdcore Rising after folks went to bed. It's a documentary on, well, of course, Nerdcore, but mostly following along behind MC Frontalot as he goes on his first country-wide "tour".
It was a very good movie, touching for nerds and outcasts coming up through high school like Marty and I.
The title comes one of MC Frontalot's songs.
Nerdcore Rising - MC Frontalot
[Front] Nerdcore used to be just a made-up word. What occurred? MCs shied away from belief. Rest assured: they sleep hard no longer. We deliver the hits that give the kids with the spectacles spectacular fits! I seen one nerd foam at the mouth in his glee. (It was me, in the mirror, rhyming, brushing my teeth.) And now the heezy we’s off don’t babble 300 baud. I get no error while compiling my rhyme. The slipshod rap stylings of the hip kids continue to vex; they get sex, money, power, but their jams are like flecks of sea foam against the great reef of my boredom. I seen them trying to act cool; ignored them. Scored some geeked out beats and a mic. Some jugglers I kick it with don’t even know I rap — it’s alright. For soon the whole nerdcore will congregate in culmination of the monkey going acaudate.
The nerdcore could rise up, it could get elevated. Oh, and wouldn’t all of those tough rappers hate it if the nerdcore rose up and got elevated? We consider the possibleness of this not overstated.
[Jesse Dangerously] We put our styles in the blender and the tape on our spectacles We compile the assembler; we’d each make a respectable Egon Spengler; your despicable, heckling, snide remarks make it all the more delectable to mark a Jeckyl & Hyde departure from the Larger norm or previous status quo, the clever dicks like us apply the baddest flow to limericks, and that is no mere Rhetoric. We don’t just wreck shop, we mop the shop floor With rappers who romanticize their third eyes when we’ve got four Each, and we exceed your reach, we’re world wide Webslingers with the combined military might of the Girl Guides Dead ringers for the lone gunmen, or maybe Jonathan, Andrew and Warren from Season Six of BtVS, we’re geniuses and we’re devious We’re seen as fresh on the BBS where we write graf in ascii files With nasty styles and blinking blocks, this ain’t your father’s Lincoln Logs! The Frontalot ownz j00, and Stephen Hawking r0x0rs We’re not even talking solely to cats with argyle in their sock drawers Our styles got the top score spot, yours did not, sorry! Stick to the shockwave games, lickin’ shots at the top Forty! I made my own Doom .wads, dickwad, My own sprites and .mus files, I stayed home nights...
[MC Hawking] Nerd: when you say it you best say it with awe ‘cause I’m the type of nerd that will bust your jaw. A nerdcore player, I’ve paid my dues, got lowered suspension and chromed out shoes. Hear ye hear ye, in case you ain’t heard, 20-aught-5 be the year of the nerd. Nerdcore’s gonna be crazy large, and we the N.I.C. bitch, the Nerds In Charge. We bust more rhymes than Theodor Geisel did, got more game than a 2600. For punk MCs who playa-hate, we got one word: EXTERMINATE! Just a matter of time before we’re household names, so you best suck up now before fortune and fame put our asses out of reach of your quivering lips, as we ride to the top on a nerdcore tip.
[Front] And I know that possibleness is not a cromulent word; every syllable injected is intended to be the one you heard (an absurd juxtaposition of mission and goal). Frontalot: about to roll his diploma up tight and smoke it. Nerdcore’s about to sit there unless you poke it. You want to prod it? See if it’ll kick? While the smart kids calculate the hip-hop shit? Got a vast network of subversives & criminals who sit in front the screens, all heedless of ridicule. These days, the complexion cleared up but the rhyming remains. Still ain’t nobody knows my name and I think the same thought with great regularity: that I’m the best MC that I can bear to be and I’m scared to be either doper or dorkier. Bound for the high road even if it looks forkier...
Here's a video of photos someone put together. Lots of Frontalot photos so you can see what he looks like in true nerd fashion.
Welcome to my blog. Herein you may find accounts of my experiences of this crazy life as I travel through it. Catch up with what I'm doing or thinking. Please leave comments!
Yes, I get all anxious even about this sort of stuff. So I decided to draw a Soul Card, cards done in the touch drawing style. I really enjoyed the method when I took classes at CIIS for the expressive arts part of my degree. The cards are like Tarot cards or Animal Medicine cards but without a little booklet of interpretations. The interpretations are up to you, which I like better than set definitions. So, I basically asked "Should I go tomorrow to talk to the director?" and this is what I drew.
